Dropping the pounds, Picking up my life!!

Your worthy of losing weight.. o Really??

2010-08-11T10:41:00.001-04:00

I'm sitting here in the school library, still feeling kind of dead inside and numb. I should be studying but right now I’m not in the mood. I was sitting here thinking to myself what am I going to write? What do I have to say? I started to talk about my day yesterday which by the way went ok. I had many triumphs over food, but I also had a few personal setbacks. I took a spinning class and managed to actually jog a half mile around the track. I have mixed feelings on that one. I have bad knees, arthritis and 2 knee surgeries to repair torn cartilage has pretty much made something like that uncomfortable to say the least, but I fall into the trap of "what everyone says" Jogging is good for you, it'll take off the weight, you should do it. Meanwhile, I’m reasonably sure I’m going to do more damage and end up in a wheelchair before my time.

I digress, what I really decided to talk about was this theory of being overweight because "we" must feel we are unworthy. Just another label to slap on someone that society feels is socially unacceptable? An "o that must be why" kind of answer?

I disagree slightly with that theory. I think most people’s weight loss journey is deeply personal. Although we all may have similar stories of eating habits, feelings, and results of such, our individual issues are ours alone. Now that's not to say that a person can't empathize or have gone through something similar but people react to situations differently. For instance, 2 children can grow up in an abusive home, equally abused, they share the same stories, they understand the same pain, however their emotional makeup and the way they handle the situations may be vastly different, 1 may become an abuser, while the other becomes passive, 1 may turn to drugs while the other may turn to food. So it's very important to understand that what you may feel and what another may feel is going to be unique to that individual.

A lot of times I hear the epitaph "you are worthy" or "you are deserving" which in my mind somehow implies I do not think I am worthy or deserving. On the contrary that is why things are so hard for me. I KNOW I am worthy and deserving of more than this crap of a life I have. However, I am first and foremost a realist. After almost 41 years of life, I see my life for what it is and no amount of sugar coating and glossing over it is going to change it. To put it simply. It is what it is. The issue of being worthy of something does not enter my mind. I know I’m worthy of a lot of things, does that necessarily mean I will get them? No. I believe I’m worthy of a million dollars, will I open my bank account and have it in there? I doubt it. I believe these are 2 separate issues. Am I worthy of losing weight? Sure I am. Do I get tired of the struggles? Do I get overwhelmed by stress? Yes I do. When skinny people get stressed, they eat too!! Does that mean they feel they are unworthy or undeserving of something? Do we put that label on them?

The issue in some cases of overeating is comfort. Some people choose drugs, some sex, some hide in books, some in exercise, some retreat from life altogether. How we deal with our stresses is a choice. In some cases an unconscious choice but a choice none the less. Just because I have food dreams, just because I find comfort in books, food, exercise and isolation does not mean I think I am less of a person and unworthy. It just means that this is where I find my comfort to help me get through my day. That I’m possibly, more than likely, depressed. Do I always give in to it? No. Sometimes feelings are there for a moment or a time when they are useful. They are a distraction from the pain or stress of whatever it is that ails me. When I blog and say I want to eat. I feel out of control, I'm craving this or that. I say that because that is what I’m feeling at that moment and that's what this is about, gaining control of the feelings, acknowledging them allowing them to wash over and out so that I am better able to control them.

If I honestly said I felt unworthy of anything it would most likely be love and or affection. Even then I can't honestly say I feel unworthy of it, more so just distrustful. I'm not sure I really believe it when it is presented to me. However if there was anything, I would honestly and humbly say that was it. Now when I’m feeling that, I don't want to eat, just the opposite, I am unable to eat and want to hide, I feel like I am dying inside. I know o to well what it feels like to feel you’re unworthy of something. For me though, it’s not about feeling unworthy to lose weight, now stress eating. THAT I can identify with!

Do you feel unworthy of anything? What do you do about it? Do you think your eating habits make a difference in that feeling?

I NEED a sunrise buffet!!

2010-08-10T06:18:00.001-04:00

For a while now I have wanted to eat out of control. So far I’ve managed to contain it somewhat. I'm not gonna lie and say I’ve been great. I just try and stay away from places where I will go crazy or make impulsive buys. Even at home its hard but I figure if I eat a bowl of multigrain cheerios in the middle of the night when I can't take the yearning, it’s better than driving to Wendy’s or McDonalds. I've been eatting way to much lately but I at least still try to keep it healthier. Does it make a difference? I don't know but i try.

I’ve been having food dreams. Dreams where I just eat things, Like a carton of ice cream. Crazy thing is I’m lactose intolerant I can handle dairy in small amounts but too much ice cream causes me diarrhea and cramps and gas and just an all around horrible feeling but you know what, I don't care. I feel like I can deal with all that just for the taste and comfort.

I'm numb right now. Last night about a quarter till 2 my daughter woke me up, she and her father had been fighting and she said she was leaving. The fight had been about her being late and disrespectful. It's true, she seems to stay out as long as she wants, even though her curfew is 1 in the morning. Then when she comes in she has an attitude with us like were wrong for saying anything, not only that but she has a cell phone which I pay for and have told her on numerous occasions all I ask is that you call us when you’re going to be late.

She never does, we have to call her, or text her and THEN she will say I’m coming or whatever she happens to come up with, Most times i believe they are lies, so apparently he told her she could leave or something to that extent. What could I say, He was right, she is disrespectful, I said a few things and went back to sleep, I figured they would work it out. I woke up about 4 and go to the bathroom. She is not here. I asked him did she leave. He said yes, He's tired of her shit, He is such an angry person and i believe so is she for some reason but i feel helpless in the wake of it. She's only 17 but what do i do? What can i do?

What do I do? I'm hurting but I have to hold it in. I’ve come too far on this journey to give up now, but I feel like I’m dying inside. I want to eat but the feeling feels like I want to punish myself for some reason. I want to eat ice cream and just not care anymore. I have to hold it in and go through my day as a robot. How will I do this? I feel so lost and afraid, like a person in a dark room turning in circles. The only reason I’m not eating right now is inside everything has slowed down to a crawl, Right now I fear food, I'm afraid if I eat, I will never stop.

I feel like my days are always dark. Will I ever be able to feel and enjoy the sun on my face? Will i ever be able to stand at the edge of the ocean and feel at peace? Will this dark place that I have been in for 40 years ever leave me? Will I ever be able to be happy? Was I a horrible person in a past life that deserved this life and if so why do I fight it? So many questions. No answers.

Update. I looked at my cell phone, she left a text saying i'm still in the house just out of sight. Don't worry. I responded ty. I don't know what to do anymore, I want to run away from my life and when i realize that's not possible. ~~I want to eat~~. I NEED to eat. I will try not to.

Part 1.. personal purge

2010-08-08T23:16:00.000-04:00

Ok I’ve been avoiding this like the plague and I’ve run out of time. We all know about how on Thursday I had a mini meltdown at the grocery store and then couldn't even get up and go to school on Friday as I woke up with a massive migraine. That migraine lasted 2 days!! Anyways, I have a standing Friday appt with my therapist. I wasn't going to go. I just wanted to be alone. I felt so out of control and sad. I went to Sam’s club and I decided to get a pretzel, one of those big soft ones and while in line I found myself ordering both the pizza and pretzel. In sams club the slice of pizza is really the size of 2. I decided to go see Jen. I figured what could it hurt. We talked for an hour about my melt down on Thursday and my migraine etc, and she asked me to take her through my week. It seems to me I go through so much on a daily basis I rarely think about the days that have passed. I myself was astounded when I recounted my week. My assignment from her was to write about my week in a journal. She seemed to feel I was disassociated from my feelings. I thought that was bull but as I sit here on Sunday night, I realize I have been avoiding doing this. It’s been turning in my head like a hamster wheel and I’ve been obsessing about food but now I will do it.

My week started on Sat. July 31st. It was my family reunion. My mom came in from D.C., and her sis from California. Usually I shun those things but this year I made an effort. I ate ok; everyone was supportive and barely recognized me. I didn't really introduce myself and my mom didn't do any for me so I felt a bit intimidated and lonely but it's been worse. I ventured out behind my camera. I took lots of pictures of people I didn’t even know and decided to use facebook for what’s worth!

Qwaya wasn't there because she didn't get home from camp until too late to come. We got home late and went straight to bed. Around 2 in the morning my cell rings, it's not a number I recognize so I ignore it. Well it rang again so I decided to answer just answer it. Well it was my daughter, who should have been home and in the bed. She's in near tears and saying she walked a "friend" halfway home and this "friend" gave her directions to get back, she got lost and her cell phone was dead and so she knocked on someone’s door and asked to use their phone. Yes you heard me correctly; my daughter was walking around a not so good neighborhood, lost at 2 in the morning with a dead cell phone, knocking on people’s door to use the phone. I was SO angry I can't even put it into words. I made her dad go and get her.

The next morning my mom calls, they want to go to the new casino that across town from me. I said I can meet you there but for some reason they kept insisting that they had to come to my house. So I go down and ask Von to straighten up the living room. His nana and Aunt Debra were coming over. He was really excited about this because he didn't get any time to spend with them at the reunion and since they live so far he doesn’t see them often. I went up to get dressed and came down. He did a FANTASTIC job, I mean for him anyway. I could tell he was excited and that he had tried his hardest. My mom calls me and says. We’re outside, come out, you’re driving. So I say, well Von cleaned up for you guys and was hoping to spend time with you two, can't you come in? I go outside and they have my cousin Lynn with them, my aunt and Lynn didn’t even speak, they said something about being hungry and walked off down the street. I'm like mom where are they going; she's like to Wendy's. So I say well geez at least take Von so he can spend some time with you guys, meanwhile they just keep walking!! I call Von, tell him throw on his shoes as fast as he can so he can walk down with them, then I tell my mom I’m going to lock up and be out and I say I wanted to drive the rental car, I didn’t have much gas or money and my ac isn’t working all that well, so they say, we don’t feel like walking back up, we'll send von back with the keys and just bring him something back. I said no, forget it, I’ll drive my car, by this time I was really getting upset.

So I drive down to Wendy’s to meet them, I had called qwaya, whom I never got to talk to since the previous night and had her meet us at Wendy’s, She and her friend show up. When I got there, qwaya and Gail and von were at a table while my mom, aunt and cousin were in line. I said something to qwayas friend and from her reaction I ascertain qwaya was either lying or not telling the full truth about last night. I decide to deal with it later and then after they get the food, instead of sitting down to spend time; they walk out to the car ready to go! Still never speaking to Von really, they asked qwaya to walk him home, I made sure he had keys and left to drive them to the casino. I was really ticked and hurt. So we get to the casino and they were supposed to meet 2 more of my cousins there, but had no plan as to where, so we go into the casino and start looking, then all of a sudden, my aunt and Lynn just walk off. I got the other cousins on the phone, they were by the door so I tell my mom where they are and she says you go get them, I need to find an atm machine. So I go all the way back to the front of the casino to retrieve them and lead them to my mom. My aunt and Lynn are still M.I.A. at this point.

So I get back to my mom and she decides she doesn't want to use the atm @ the casino because it costs too much, so I got in my car and drove around looking for an atm to get her some money out. I drive around the parking lot for 15 minutes looking for parking and took her the money. I went to the bathroom and went back up to the car. Soon as I get to the car, I get a call, we're ready to go. After all that!! So I drive them back home, and they get in the rental and leave!! All accept my mom who was leaving in a few hours and so I had to take her to the bus stop. I haven't heard from her since, I'm a tad hurt but not surprised as she never calls me unless she wants something. Ok so that was My Sunday.

On Monday, I go to school, not in the best of spirits, but I promised Von 10 dollars for cleaning the living room. He didn’t ask, but I felt it important to acknowledge the good job he did and reward him and he wanted to go to the exchange and trade in some old games and buy a new video game, So we all go, His dad is off, It took a while to get him to buy it because he was concerned and wanted his dad to get something too. I had to make him just get something for himself, then I went to the gym. When I got home, les was gone and I was ticked again. He does NOTHING with my son; He goes to his friend’s house whenever he gets a free moment and most nights doesn't come in until 3 in the morning. He never took my son to basketball games, or even out to play ball, or well just nothing. Nothing means nothing and I can't take it anymore. I decided I have to be daddy too. My son doesn't qualify for a lot of programs that would place a man in his life because his dad lives in the house. I feel so bad for him and it hurts my heart so bad to see my son alone without friends except in school, spending most of his off time home alone playing video games. I'm afraid for him, He is only 12 now but what kind of man will he be at this rate? So on top of everything else, I’ve added making sure I do things with Von as many times a week as I can.

Ok so that was Monday, it's getting late so I will continue this tomorrow. This is so painful for me but I’m beginning to see I have so much to hold in that I’m dealing with. All of this was Sunday and Monday and I still had to get through school and a workout.

Driving to the edge and peeking over....

2010-08-06T12:10:00.001-04:00

I woke up this A.M. feeling like this is it. I'm ready to go over! I didn't want to get out of bed. I wanted to pull the covers over my head and bury myself forever. I woke with a monster headache, I called out and here it is 12 in the afternoon and I still haven't moved. No food, No water, no cookies. I'm sick of food, sick of eating. I am Thelma and I got a grocery bag full of Louise with me and we were headed for the cliff!! What brought me here you ask? Or perhaps your saying, she's always ready for the cliff. lol Thats true but todays cliffhanger started last night.

Last night I went into the grocery store and just stood in front of the bakery. It happens to be the first thing in my grocery store. Not the produce section like most stores, No you have to go through all the freshly baked goods and inviting coffee bar with all the nice round tables to sit and have your fresh baked goodies before you get down to the dirty business of shopping.

Normally I just zip right past without a thought and I was in a hurry too. I had to grab some Pitas! For some weird reason though I stopped. I looked at peanut butter cookies and imagined buying them, only eating 2 and giving the rest to the kids. OOO or how about cup cakes!! I can buy them, eat 1 and give the rest to the kids!! OO cheesecake!! Wait, I don't like cheesecake, but then again, it looks like it might taste good. Maybe THIS will be the cheesecake I like!

I looked at my watch and realized I had spent 20 minutes doing this!! Finally I reluctantly just wandered off. I came to the fruit section and I wasn't interested. I’m sick of fruit. Sigh. I probably wandered around that store for an hour more just looking at food and thinking food thoughts. Visions of bieng the type of person who didn't have to do this daily. Visions of REAL ice cream and REAL cheese and REAL mayonaise dancing through my head like sugarplums, (what the hell is a sugarplum?) all the while, my poor son waited in the car probably wondering if I was having the Pitas created from scratch!

In the end, I brought only the Pitas and some organic kidney beans and left. Was that a victory? I'm not so sure, I felt down and discouraged and tired and beaten and confused.

Is food the enemy? Everyone says no but we treat it like it is. If I had 2 of those peanut butter cookies would that have been a failure? Why? Aren't we always touting the old adage that it's about healthy eating, exercise and moderation? That you can eat anything as long as the greater amount is healthy? As long as it's not an "everyday thing" So much confusion, so many contradictions. I dunno, I just know it had been enough to send me over the proverbial edge today.

Okay enough of that. I’ve had time to read some encouraging blogs and send out a few emails and right now I am concluding that this meltdown has been a long time coming. I just need a DAY OFF!! A day where I could let go of the crap, be selfish and leisurely and allow my body and mind to rest. So I’m going to get my butt up right this minute and go eat, then I’m going to get dressed and go do something, anything that is just relaxing, mindless and enjoyable!! I'm going to take the rest of the day and just let my feet dangle over the edge a bit and enjoy the breeze.

Monsters in disguise....+

2010-08-05T14:35:00.000-04:00

These last couple days have been interesting for me. Full of ups and downs, ins and outs, good times and bad times. Today ironically whats been on my heart is the issue of losing weight itself. Generally when you say your trying to lose weight. It seems everyone has the answer. They all know what it is that YOU need to do. It doesn't matter if they are overweight or not. Ironically it's usually the "newly healthy and fit" or the ones that feel they are on a "roll" with the losing, that are the worst culprits. Convinced they know the ins and outs, the ups and downs, the way to your salvation all because they have the crossed their finish line.

Most times i ignore it, sometimes it ticks me off. Basically the rules are the same for everyone. I know i whine and bitch and moan and cry. I feel i have a right too, I have a lot going on. However i also always put it out there, I know I'm NOT eating enough most days, I know i exercise to much, I know i stress too much. I know i should eat more vegetables. So I'm not saying I'm perfect or have some magic pill either. I also don't preach to others about what they need to do. I am not a doctor, all i can do is give suggestions as to what has worked for me in the past. Who the hell would i be to judge you? Where would i get off telling you what to do? I don't walk in your shoes, I don't know your circumstances, I don't know why you are the way you are and whats going to make it right. All i do know is weight loss is a PERSONAL journey. It is a journey that is about MORE than just food. Only eat 1000 calories, don't eat to much of this, cut out that. Yes all of that will work for a while, but trust me my friend, the wall will come up fast and hard. Shit when i was 385 lbs. i could lose weight just by altering my breathing i was so sedentary. So yes the gimmicks do work, but they are just that. Gimmicks, They are not a life long plan and you can't do it on Antone's schedule but your own, What worked for someone else may not always work for you, and that's OK.

What really gets me is why do these people who want to "help" you so much, get so angry and quick to wash their hands of you when you don't want to take their advice, their help or in some cases their orders? Isn't the job of a person who truly cares for you and about you to just be there and be supportive? Does it even occur to them that maybe there are issues or reasons that their plan may not work for you? Do they even care?

All i know is I'm learning so much on this journey, about people, their motives, their feelings about me and about themselves. This weight loss journey is a very hard road to travel and often lonely. Even on here, i see people come and go, say some very mean things and very nice things. Sometimes it appears what was hiding beneath the fat was a monster in disguise.

Pity party for 1...

2010-08-04T07:08:00.000-04:00

I'm feeling kind of down and depressed this morning. I'm going to fight through it and get through my day though. I'm still going to be on time for school and i'm still going to work out. I'm just hoping that maybe talking about my feelings a little this A.M. will help.

I guess this feeling started yesterday, I knew i would run out of food and money by today but i've just been pushing it aside. Now that the event is here, I have no choice but to acknowledge it. I don't even have any food for lunch today and with 3 dollars in my account, there won't even be any subway. I'm just praying when i go out to my car i don't need gas. Of course this saga keeps turning me back to my weight. I'm feeling discouraged about it. I put on a pair of pants that had goten so big that when i put them on i could do so without unzipping and they would fall straight to the floor. Well they stayed up.

Thats not the only thing depressing me. How about i have a bug problem thats so severe i set off 13 bug bombs in my little 3 bedroom apartment thats largely on 1 floor except the attic bedroom and they are still everywhere. My landlord refuses to get an exterminator and only keeps bringing over sprays or gels and i have no money to go anywhere else. It's so bad i see them walking around as if they own the house. On the walls, the sink, on the toilet paper roll, On my dishes and the things i use to prepare my foods. I don't even bother trying to kill them because where do you begin? Its like stepping on one ant on an ant hill. I shake and check everything when i leave and my greatest fear is every day i'll miss one and it will crawl out of my bag at school. I already had them move to my car. How do i live like that? I don't know, I guess i try not to acknowledge it. To acknowledge it woould be madness and dispair on a level i'm ill prepared to handle.

I feel like i'm living a lie. I pretend i'm happy and it always works, sometimes for a long while, sometimes for a short while. usually what happens is that one thing gets through a chink in your armor and allows in a flood of whats wrong. Everyone always has the answer, I'm sure some of you in your mind have the answer too. Well just move, Is your house clean? Just do this and that. The reality isn't often so easy. There are not many who would ever choose to live my life just as most of you wouldn't choose to be obese. How many times have you heard, just stop eatting. just start exercising. It's not that simple is it. There are no easy and fast answers. I understand that and am realistic about it. Does it mean i have to like it or always accept it? No.

well it's time for me to whipe my tears, suck back the tide of misery as best i can, and get started on my day. ironically i have time to blog this morning because theres no lunch to prepare. I will get through this day because there is no going back. As awful as now is, I know it would be worse to give in and just hide my head under the covers. So i shoulder my burden and drag my feet one step at a time.

peace and blessing be with you all.

Patrick i don't have time to check your blog right now but if your reading this i'm praying for your wife still and really hope everything went well.

Trina~

Broccoli.. Natures little scrub brushes, or just scrub brushes in disguise!

2010-08-03T17:25:00.000-04:00

It has been a super crazy few days!! I have been trying like mad to update but with my family reunion this weekend and computers down at school its been impossible!! So many things have been going on. I've been encouraged to get to know more of my family so i have embarked on a "facebook" hunt. My mom and auntie really hurt my feelings and treated me badly on Sunday, which had me stressed out and threw my eatting way off for 2 days!! Ive been dealing with husband issues. It's just been really hectic, but through it all, I have been adding my food to my application and ive learned a couple things..

1. If i find myself short on calories for the day, Trying to eat 1000 calories in one healthy meal is not a good idea!! I found that 9 p.m. on Sun. After the stressful day with my mom and aunt, i had only eatten 500 calories, so i ate 2 turkey sandwhiches, a pita pizza and a protien shake and an apple. I was sooo bloated and gassy and just felt yucky overall.

The next day was bad also. I was still so upset, I had to force myself to even drink the 90 calorie protien shake, (it has no carbs). Then by breaktime i still wasnt hungry but i ate 2 doughnuts out of emotion, I was frustrated and wanted to punish, 500 calories alone just for that, and then instead of damage control for the rest of the day, I wanted comfort so i ate 2 turkey burgers and spicy potatoe wedges of all things!! I ended that day with 2333 calories. I did workout though, I did the elliptical for 20 minutes, crossramp on 12 and resistance on 9 and i always make sure i keep my strides at least above 100 per min. I also did some weight training so i'm sure all was not a total loss.

2. Keeping track of my food helps to "see" and realistically assess what im putting in me. I notice where i need to add things and where i can subtract them or shuffle them so that i'm maximizing my food intake. I realized one of the reasons i don't like eatting so much is because it seems when i eat this amount of food on a regular basis, i get constipated and bloated. It hit me all of a sudden that i dont eat ANY vegtables. I avg. about having veggies 2 times a month, some months none. It hit me because a friend this past week referred to broccoli as natures "little scrub brushes". lol Now thats stuck in my head because my rebuttal was thats the problem!! They taste like scrub brushes with feet!! lol

3. This is REALLY hard for me. Ive had bouts of doubt and fear about eatting this much food on a daily basis, I'm afraid to weigh myself because my mind is convinced all this food will make me gain, so for the time bieng, i'm just gonna concentrate on eatting healthily and working out because i know in the long run THAT is whats going to be healthy for me.

4. I need to find a really accurate place to journal all my exercise so i can see the energy i'm expending in relation to the amount of food im putting in.

and finally ive discovered when i get enough sleep at night i feel fabulous the next day!! Problem is with my caseload, it's not always possible to get in the bed at a decent hour every night.

What do you think? Where can a person who HATES vegtables, add them to get all the benifits without the horrid taste and be able to get them in on a daily basis with a busy schedule? Do you eat as many as you should?

well spin class is calling me so i better go.. until later everyone!!

Brighter days...

2010-07-31T21:58:00.000-04:00

I'm sooo tired but it's been a few days and you guys have been on my mind and so im determined to get this in!! It's been pretty crazy for me these past couple days. My family reunion's this weekend, of course i'm trying to deal with my "new plan" for food, working out and school. Allen you made me laugh so hard at your comment on my last blog. I KNOW im exasperating lol. I could almost see you shaking your head, Those who know me well all have that look and sigh.

So far things are going well. I downloaded the sparkpeople app on my phone to track my food and i must say it has been a HUGE help!! I can do it everytime i get a minute and it's really helping me to get in enough food. Well honestly, i'm not sure how much food is enough food with my workout regimine but for right now, i'm going to tackle one thing at a time. I'm getting in between 1500 and 1800 calories a day and it calculates the corresponding carbs, protien,and fat for within that range. I had been previously told by someone i was eatting to many carbs, ironically according to the food pyramid and this app, i'm consistantly too low in carbs. go figure..

anywho, I slowed down on the workouts, sorta, I was doing about 5 hours a day 4 days a week plus random stuff when i felt like it in addition. I am now doing about 2-3 hours, 4 sometimes 5 days a week. Now that is an improvement for me, I feel a little more rested, (been sleeping every chance i get), That extra 2 hours has taken away some of that "rush, rush" feeling i always had, so my workouts have a more relaxed and energized feel to them. I really like the boxing, it's such good cardio, even the shadow boxing.

I tried zumba too for the first time on thursday and a new spin class. The zumba was HILARIOUS!! I was wiggling and rolling all sorts of body parts were doing thier own thing. It was so much fun. I am sooo doing that again!! I'm pigeon toed and knock kneed,, that does not make for a pretty picture but it was certainly interesting!! The same instructor is also offering a spin class which she demo'd. I liked that too, it was different than the spinning im used to. She had us doing exercises while spinning and you really felt it. All in all i was pleased.

The family reunion was interesting for me. Noone knew who i was. people just kept walking past me and i had to like literally wait for the "light bulb" to go off over thier head as they recognized me. It was a weird feeling. When i finally got over bieng annoyed and wondering why noone was speaking to me and realized they just didnt recgonize me. I actually kind of enjoyed it.

well i could go on and on but im exhausted and sleepy, i want to read a few blogs too before i fall asleep. I have no idea how to calculate my food for the day. I worked out before so i should be ok but i had like a half a humburger, a half a cookie, a few greens, a spoonful of greenbeans.. It really was just a tasting for me. how do i track that for the day lol!! I don't think i did bad though. Food wasn't that great thats why i didn't finish anything, i was searching for edible fare!!

In regards to picnics and reunions and things like that, Are you calorie counting? If so, how do you keep track of calories and what your eatting there?

DAY 7.... New plan number 5000 and 1

2010-07-28T00:27:00.000-04:00

Today began the same as usual. I got up and got ready for school. I didn’t mention this yesterday but I had decided to go on a 3 day fruit cleanse thingy someone told me about. So I had a ½ cup of grapes for breakfast, really that’s all I wanted. Lately I just haven’t been hungry. It becomes so easy to just not eat. The longer you go, the easier it gets, it isn’t until you actually eat something that the hunger kicks in. It’s occurred to me that not eating is a way for me to avoid the fact that I just don’t have a clue when it comes to food.

School was going ok, I find I’m tired and a little more emotional lately, but I’m coping. We had a speaker today from one of the companies that offers internships. It was very informative. I must admit I’m afraid to get out there and do this. I’ve been called standoffish and mean and defensive and those things really hurt because I’m not. The sad thing is, most times I’m just lost in thought, or tired, or down. I can’t help what my face looks like; I just don’t understand what to do. If you ever want to play poker, I am not your girl. My face usually tells it all. I’m tired of fighting that losing battle too.

I told a few classmates about my fruit idea and to say they were appalled would be an understatement. They insisted I eat and pointed out I needed nutrition as much as I work out and that maybe I need to slow down. Nothing I haven’t heard before 1000 times and already know. This time though, I’m tired of doing what I’ve been doing and getting no results so I decided to give something new a try. I went to sparkpeople.com and lo and behold they had an app for my android phone!! I programmed that I wanted to eat between 1500 and 1800 calories. Then I began adding my food. I went to subway because by 3 p.m. all I had in me was 1 cup grapes, an apple and a banana, I was nowhere near my low point of 1500. Even with the subway turkey (roll scooped out) and bag of sun chips, I was under 1500 calories.

Normally I would have called that more than enough food and called it a day, but I felt I needed to hit my range of at least 1500 if nothing else. I also watched my carbs, protein and fat. I think this may be what I need to get me eating consistently. I really believe if I can continue to do this it will help me with my food. Now if only I was sure this is where I need to be calorie wise.

In light of this “new plan” of moderation. I skipped my step class today and I was supposed to run 2 miles around the track,, run up and down bleachers 3 times and up and down a huge hill 3 times. I told myself I did plenty yesterday and 1 day off wasn’t going to kill me. So I stayed in, and cleaned like a mad woman, now my house to me feels like I’m only a few steps from making the reality show hoarders, but I managed to clean off my dresser, wash and put away a few loads of clothes, took things to the good will, and did a host of other things. Honestly I think I was trying to fill the void that’s usually filled by exercising and to push away the guilt. It worked until now when I got in the bed, I must admit I’m feeling terrified and panicky about the whole not working out today thing, but I’m determined to fight through it and slow down. This new battle is going to be a tough one for me. I’m going to create a new “plan for the week” and stick to it.

Wish me luck.

Day 6.. Where does it come from?

2010-07-26T21:48:00.000-04:00

Where does my strength come from? I have no idea. I must be a glutton for pain and punishment! I woke up today with a migraine. I decided to skip school and try to relax. Within an hour i was fidgeting and by 9 a.m. I was up getting ready for school. I was late, still had a headache, but i was there! I was very tired and down today. I got my grades, I went from a 4.0 to a 3.93. Not very happy about that, I actually shed some tears, more so because i lost points for bieng, and i quote, standoffish and needing to improve my attitude. I really do not understand that. Why does the fact that i prefer to stay to myself and don't smile all the time mean i have a bad atitude? I wasn't aware there was a law that said i had to mingle. I can't help the face God gave me. I don't know, whatever.

After school i worked out, i was tired and my arms and thighs hurt, but i figured to just push through. I did chest press w/ 25 lb dumbells, 3 sets of 20,, then 20 minutes on eliptical, then upper back machine (name skips my mind), 3 sets of 20 w/ 60 lbs, then bicep curls, 3 sets of 20, 20lbs. then skull crushers (lay on back with curl bar extended from chest, bring bar down to touch forehead then back up again) 25 bar only (bar is 30lbs) 20 w/ 2.5 wts added, then 15 w/5 lb wts added, then i did upright rows, 2 sets of 15 using curl bar.. Then i went to the catherdral of learning and went up the stairwell TWICE this time, I took my time, no stopping or faltering or holding onto the rail at all!! i walked up 72 flights of steps!! YAY me!! I am sooo proud of that!!

next we went up to the track, I went around twice, i tried to jog but i couldn't, my knees were pretty much done by then. So i walked. Then we went to swing set and i did these full body things. You stand at pole, grasp it with 2 hands, sit down, lay out flat, then grasp pole again and pull yourself upright. did 30 of those,, then 50 double leg lifts, then 100 bicycles, then standing push ups, where you start from standing drop down, open legs wide then pull then in and stand again 15 of those, o yeah then 55 side lunges and 15 mountain climbers.. hmm this seems like a lot more when i write it down than when i do it. When im exercising generally whats going through my mind is,, thats not enough, the weights never going to come off. I'm a slacker.

My food sucked today, pretty much all day i had 2 1/2 muffins, 2 cans of tuna, 2 apples, a banana and maybe 10 grapes. I also had 4 slices of wheat bread total. This is a day in my life lol.. well sometimes the food is better. I feel pretty ok though all things considered, just a little tired, so im going to call it a night. I think tomorrow i'm going to slow down on the workout.

Day 5.. Fitting in everything, everywhere...

2010-07-26T00:35:00.001-04:00

Today was an interesting day for me. I woke up lonely. I can't really explain it. I didn't want to get up but at the same time I knew i needed to; so i got up, got the boys up. I let my nephew spend the night. I didn't feel like eatting breakfast because I was just so down but I made myself at least have a protien shake. I felt bad about it. My protien shake is just powder and water and about only 94 calories. I intended to get up and have eggs and toast but I dunno, the feelings were kind of overwhelming. I went to church, we had an early service. The new choir was singing. I felt sad about that, I've always loved the church choir and I used to belong but with school, and my obsession with working out,I just don't have the time. A small part of it is also that I don't feel good enough, I always compare myself to others in every way. It's not so much that i'm jealous of them, more so I'm ashamed of me. I know I shouldn't feel that way, but I do. I always feel so HUGE next to everyone else. I'm nowhere near as big as I was but I still FEEL like that inside. It transfers to everything. I feel inadequate in everything. My singing, my confidence level, my household. It's like the world is covered in vaseline and i can't get a grip.

I made it through church and I came home to blog, but what happened was I found myself reading blogs first. I wanted to check in on a few and I stopped by Sean's blog. He is a blogger I stumbled across and have been watching for sometime. His blog is big and popular and I must admit i'm always intimidated by it. I never comment mostly because I figure with so many followers, my little old comment would be invisible. again, I know it's my own personal issue and i'm working on it. I always find what he has to say soo inspirational though. Today he talked about bieng 13 pounds from his goal. It brought something out of me. I've become so lost on this journey. I did something very out of the ordinary for me. I emailed him and asked for help. I sat at my desk in the middle of the afternoon and I talked to a perfect stranger about my feelings of bieng lost when it comes to this "counting calorie" thing. I had tears streaming down my face, my nose was stuffed and I was a blubbering mess. I felt kind of mortified afterwards. Pathetic even. I dunno why, I just feel like I always need to be strong I guess.

So after that I hit the church picnic. I spoke to a few people but i'm generally antisocial. I know your thinking, didn't you say you were lonely. Yes but for some stupid reason bieng lonely makes me crave alone time even more. I become melancholy. Plus I've always been distant. I don't mingle well, or do small talk well. basically I don't fit in and I'm painfully aware of it which makes it worse. I ate terribly!! I had, a spoonful of mac and cheese, some rigatoni, about 2 tblespns, baked beans, twice! 2 beef hot dogs, 2 and half peanut butter cookies, 2 pieces of zuchini pound cake, 4 wedges of watermelon, some grapes, (bout 12) and a brownie!! Afterwards I put in my headphones, wrapped my hands and went walking and did some shadow boxing. I don't know how many calories I burned but I was sweating a LOT!! People looked at me strangely for working out at a church picnic but we were at a park!! I was bored and lonely and i knew after eatting what I had I couldn't just go home and go to bed. Plus its so very cleansing for me. It gives me pride and focus. Working out helps me work through and release some of my pain. Also part of my isolating is a cry for help I think too. I would love someone to come over and talk to me, to want to spend time with me. To interupt me, but they never do. I think that hurts a little too but I usually push that feeling way down.

Afterwards, I said my goodbyes and came home. I had a migraine so i turned off all the lights and fell asleep. I awoke with a sense of I NEED to get grip on this food situation. So i'm online looking for ideas and help. I found a 7 day free trial for ediets so I guess I'm going to begin there.

Today although it seems on the surface to have not been a good day, was actually ok though. I got out and enjoyed the sun. I had an enjoyable workout. I'm making progress on my footwork I think lol. I also like to think i'm getting better at bieng social just by getting out there. It's a process, 2 days in a row out in the company of a group of people. I survived! I also had time to just let my feelings flow. I needed to make room for the coming week!!

Time for me to rest and relax.. Enjoy your Monday!!

Day 4... All things come undone

2010-07-24T23:45:00.000-04:00

This is day 4 of the new me. Yesterday i had a pretty good day. School was ok, I went to see my therapist and even went out with a few girlfriends from the gym last night. Normally im uncomfortable in "bar" social settings and this time was no different. I wore a dress that I felt really pretty in, but then when I was next to all of them, I felt huge and ugly and old. Well not THAT old but the one girl said she was class of 99!! 99!! Fortunately I don't look it. I mean this is going to sound weird but even though i felt like that, I felt ok.

That brings me to what my therapist and I talked about on Friday. Ive told her about my blogging and we talked about how it makes me feel. Ive been feeling really good these past few days and I credit it to a choice to feel better. I held in all my feelings, when I wanted to cry, I held my breath, changed the subject in my head, sang songs, did whatever i could to keep the bad thoughts away.

Many people are right now are going.. way to go,, and yay Trina, but i don't necessarily feel that way. Sometimes peoples uncomfortability with sadness disturbs me. Ive learned and know very well what it feels like to keep emotions bottled up for too long. When did it become fashionable to stuff and hold ones feelings inside? Why is it frowned upon to cry? I don't understand. Everywhere I look I see children and people turning to drugs and killing themselves and others because they are trying to hold everything in. Avoid. Be happy all the time because bieng unhappy is frowned upon, if you cry too much you must be depressed.

Well in some circumstances you have a RIGHT to cry,, You have a RIGHT to be depressed!! I'm living in a bug infested house, that I can't afford to leave, I have no money, my utilities are always in danger of getting cut off, I'm on the verge of divorce, I'm overweight and despite working out 5 days a week, 5 hours a day sometimes, I'm GAINING weight. I'm going through a fast paced degree program with no summer breaks or anything. Why would i NOT cry?? I may cry, but i still fight!! I still get up in the morning and move foreward. I don't have any other choice, but I don't want my struggle minimized or glazed over or hidden behind a veneer of happy, happy, joy, joy either.

If i do that, Ive done us all a disservice. The triumph is not in doing something that comes easy. The triumph is in continuing to do what needs to be done even when it appears all hope is lost. In perserverence, in courage, in strength you didn't know you had. So i say, go ahead and cry, go ahead and bitch and moan and dispair, and then when the storm has passed.. breathe deeply.. stand up straight and tall and go on.

I do believe there is a time and place for everything, there is a fine balance, but you need to be honest with yourself always and allow yourself to feel. Your feelings are VALID whatever they may be. They are you.

My days always seem to get better when I allow myself to feel and not bottle it up,, when I allow myself to get out the toxic it leaves room for the good to come in. I thank the person that emailed me, I would cry and cry but never let everything out, My blog didn't have a direction because I was holding back and trying to only talk about my weight. I am so much more than just my weight, There are things outside the topic of weight that contribute to my weight bieng what it is. I was holding it in and now i am exhaling.. If you are still watching.. Exhale with me.. It's a wonderful feeling!!

I feel good, I went to the library and got lots of books with recipes and am going to research things and try to come up with ways to help myself, and if it doesn't work, I may cry and get discouraged but guess what.. I'll try something else!! I'm going to attempt to figure out how to take my measurements this week. I'm still not ready to get back on the scale yet, I'm just going to enjoy the feeling I get from working out and try to be healthier in general. For another week at least lol.

have a SUPER blessed day everyone!!

Day 2.. Ever onward….

2010-07-22T22:40:00.000-04:00

This morning was a rough one. It was supposed to be a morning for my walk but I was so tired, I just kept turning the alarm off. I even considered just going to school late but finally I couldn’t stand the guilt and rolled myself out of bed at about 6. I was hungry but I was also down, I tried to not think about things but it was hard. I kept thinking about my bills and knowing I need to check my bank account but afraid to, I kept looking around my house at the mess and wanting to cry. Just lots of thoughts and remembrances swirling through my head, like what am I going to eat for dinner or lunch. Just my dismal situation in general. Even though my throat was closed tight with unshed tears I knew I had to eat breakfast, I wanted eggs and toast but I only had enough mental strength to put one foot in front of the other and hold it together. I made a breakfast of a piece of chicken and 2 slices of wheat bread. I packed my lunch which consists of 2 cans of tuna (100 cals) 2 tblspns miracle whip (70 cals), 2 slices of bread, the last of my apple sauce and a handful of grapes.

All the bad things that tried to cloud my vision I kept at bay like a creeping blackness you see out of the corner of your eye. I had a brief thought of what am I going to have for break? What will I eat after school before I go to the gym? Then my thoughts turned to the girls I work out with and the man I train with. I already feel guilt for being so slow and behind, I’m tired of always being in pain, but I also feel guilt because yesterday one of the ladies was saying how she was going to give him 25 dollars for working out with us, appreciation for spending time with us that he could be using doing other things such as training his sons etc: That hurt because I know I can’t afford to do that. My heart and soul ache, it brings tears to my eyes because it’s yet another way I’m lacking. I feel like a baby that has to be taken care of. Yet again I digress.

The really weird thing is, the closer it got time for me to get out of school and go work out, the better I began to feel. Just having a plan seemed to help. My eatting was ok. I got through my workout, boy do my knees ache, but it felt good!! I was in good spirits; afterwards, I faced some of what had been worrying me. I checked my bank accounts. They were as expected but I wasn’t upset. I had many things happen to me today that were unexpected. The cables off but they must have forgotten to turn off the internet!! Can I claim this as a triumph over the cable company?? Lol. Anyways, the point of today seems to be, everything was as crappy as usual, but I was still able to find a few things to smile about and keep me going. Another day down!!

Day 1.. The beginning..

2010-07-21T23:27:00.001-04:00

If you haven't already, read the blog before this "Death of a Blog"

Today started off really crazy for me. I decided to go to a job fair. I've never been to one before, I haven't worked since 1997 I think. It's funny i remember it almost like it was yesterday. My son had just been born, He wasn't even 2 months old when they sent me to a therapist saying i was depressed. When they discovered i tried to commit suicide when i was 16 (long story for another time) They just immediately put me on medication. They're the doctors right, they know best?? Unfortunately, I had severe side effects. I remember going to the bathroom at work and closing my eyes and pressing my face to the stall walls just to feel the coolness, to stop the raging beating of my heart, The tears would come, the sickness etc: but then the doctor left and went into private practice and thus began over 10 years of shuffling from doctor to doctor, none who ever questioned me on anything other than side effects and how are you feeling and lets try this dose or this medication.

I remember many times wanting to stop taking it but you become so afraid of stopping the medicine because you hear so many horror stories. By the time I went before a judge for disability, I couldn't even lift my head to answer a question without crying. It was especially hard on me because Ive always been very intelligent, hi IQ and all and it was like i couldn't function anymore, My house was a shambles, I couldn't move off the couch, the weight started piling on, I began hiding, it was like being trapped in a tomb that's your mind and body. i knew i had so much more to me, but i was trapped. Lord this is not where i wanted to go.. back on track...

Anyways, I was a little afraid and of course my resume' is pretty sucky even to me so i didn't expect a job but i wanted to see what it was like. Could i do it was the question. I wanted to go alone but i hadn't worked up the courage to do that yet so i asked my classmate Alexandra to go with me. So silly me decided to clip my ends, iron my clothes, grab my laptop bag, my purse, and my workout bag AND make lunch all in the morning. Needless to say i was running late, so i didn't get to eat breakfast, or make lunch. I wasn't hungry but i felt bad because yesterday at step class i was looking at myself in the floor length mirror and it was all i could do not to burst into tears. My body is changing and it's like i have no control over it. it takes everything in me to keep eating. My brain tells me to stop but it's hard. Its like a war within yourself.

So I'm driving and i get an email that my child support is in. I'm like OK. My gas, electric and phone are about to be cut off. My plan was to pay some on each of them and pray for no disconnects. I had it all planned out. My child support is 185, I was going to pay 150 on the phone and have 35 in gas to last us till Wednesday when my husband gets his pitiful check. I opened the email on the highway and glanced at it. 127 dollars. My heart sank, i wanted to cry. hell i still want to cry but i just sucked it up and told myself i can't afford to cry. I can't go back to sitting on the couch, besides I'm on the highway.. no time to be falling apart!! So i went to subway and grabbed a egg english muffin. It was gross, but it was 2 dollars and i got in breakfast. Break time was at 10:00 and i think the depression over the money was there even though i pushed it back. I ended up eating 2 doughnuts.. I didn't care!! or so i thought, by the time lunch came, i didn't feel hungry and i skipped lunch.

Honestly i think i was punishing myself and maybe a little damage control for the doughnuts. I know, not good. So 3:00 comes and the job fair. I got through it OK, It was overwhelming a little, I think i was really discouraged because i know with all those people, who have way more experience than me, I didn't stand a chance at anything, but it was OK. Afterwards, Alex made me go to subway with her where i ate a whole turkey on wheat (bread scooped out) and a bag of sun chips. Then since it was almost 6:30 and time for me to go workout with Keith, i went to McDonald's and got an ice cream and diet coke. I don't normally do that but i knew I'd burn it off very quickly and i was right!! We met at the Cathedral of Learning to climb steps!! OMG was it hot and hard!! I did it though!! 35 flights of stairs!! Google it, it's in Pittsburgh PA.. This is my view from the 34th floor..

After that, we went to the park and jogged, well i tried around the track,, about a quarter mile, then did some other cardio stuff and a little sparring. i really like boxing but I'm not that great at it. 2 other girls work out with me and i feel bad, I'm the oldest and the fattest and it seems like I'm always lagging behind, it's so frustrating having these limitations but i don't know how to do anything but keep going foreword. I'm too scared of what awaits me back there. Dinner was a piece of watermelon, a banana, a couple grapes and a protein shake. I wasn't that hungry. It has been a long and tiring day for me and it's way past my bedtime!! Until tomorrow, have a blessed productive day. i see many triumphs as i look back over my day. I will note them to the right. Good night all...

Death of a blog...

2010-07-21T22:28:00.000-04:00

So your wondering.. what is she talking about!! Well, This is the end of this blog as you know it. I got an email. I guess you could say it was a nasty email. It said a lot of things i more than likely wont repeat but some things struck a cord with me. They said some things about my blog not having a point and how Ive been here a year and no one reads me and i don't have any followers and other things of that nature and I'm a downer etc etc:..

This got me to thinking. First and foremost, I've said this before, this isn't about gaining a huge following or needing to be loved or liked or even a popularity contest for me. I COULD make a "cheerleader blog" about weight loss. That's what i call the blogs that are ALWAYS super positive as if they don't have a care in the world, as if every healthy meal is cause for celebration, as if every climb to the top of the hill is a "pump your fists in the air" rocky moment etc: full of great tips and general rah rah all day everyday. Don't get me wrong, those blogs are great and i enjoy looking at them and being motivated sometimes and gaining nice tips etc: but sometimes, just sometimes, i want to hear what it's like when they hit that wall and how they get past it,, Sometimes i need to see the real struggle and overcoming of it because that's where i feel you gain strength. I can't identify with "rah rah" all the time because my life isn't "rah rah" all the time and honestly sometimes that can make me feel less than. Hell being perky all the damn time is tiring work!! It's like another job!!

It's like weight loss surgery. everyone wants to pretend its the greatest thing since sliced bread. don't get me wrong, I think the people that do that are the most courageous people in the world, I'm taking the hard way because I'm to chicken to go under the knife, but at the same time, it seems they want for that decision to not be a mistake so bad they don't talk about or just glaze over the side effects, how often do you hear about the throwing up, the horrible gas, the diarrhea, the anger because where food was once their outlet now it can no longer be, the regaining weight, the horrible gas, now you may say,, who wants to hear that!! well ME for one if I'm thinking of having the surgery!! I want to know the good the bad and the ugly so i can make the decision if this LIFELONG change is something i can live with!!

Now that being said.. I realized something else. I AM depressed. I think. I'm pretty sure anyways, I probably have been for a very long time. I struggle with my LIFE and with losing the weight and for me it's like some weird macabre dance. This blog for me is supposed to be about me getting through, gaining perspective, sharing, a purging if you will and i realize that i don't even do the things in this blog that i would want to see in a blog. I toyed with deleting this blog and starting a new one about fighting depression, poverty and weight loss but i decided I'm just going to restructure this blog. It will be about my struggles period. All of it, no holds barred, whats going on with me, how I'm feeling about it etc. It will still be focused on my weight also but it may be more like a journal.

My hope is that those of you who are here will stay along for the ride and that i can be successful on some level so i will be an encouragement to someone who is suffering as i am. I hope in my struggles they will see, I've been there and if she can do it so can i!! If nothing else, i don't know where you picked up my journey but i would encourage you to read my very first post so you at least have a tiny idea of "the me of it all".

OK enough chatter here, I'm giving myself half an hour to reconfigure and get my first post up so i can take my butt to bed!!

P.S. i appreciate each and every one of you, I would rather have a handful of truly good friends than a stadium full of fake ones. (hugs all around)

Back to the drawing board...

2010-07-18T22:02:00.000-04:00

Today I woke up in no better mood than I have in the past few months. Still down and depressed, still hurting and feeling alone on this journey. My mind has been on choices since my last blog. I woke up and made the choice to go walking. Do i feel like all of a sudden I'm back on track and everything will be great.. No.. BUT a small part of me realized that even when all your choices suck.. you have to make the best choice you can given your circumstances. One day at a time, one choice at a time. So my choice for this morning was walking.

I chose to walk because in the beginning when i was 300+ pounds it was all I felt I could do. I remember the first time I decided to do it. I picked evening because I felt no one would be there to see me wobbling around the track. I remember walking and thinking and praying. I remember going there and watching the sun rise some days, and set others. I remember sitting in my car crying my heart out to my lord for his mercy and help,, to take this pain away. I remember praising him for all the good he's done in my life, all the small things that tend to get lost in the bigger picture. I remember gaining a closeness and a serenity and the strength to make it through my day there.

In life as a child, when you fall down and hurt yourself, you go home. It's the only place you know you'll be welcome, you can relax and think, where you can go to get a hug and an assurance everything will be all alright. (at least in theory). Where you can begin again. This morning I chose to go home.

This is home. I walked about three miles. I listened to my music, and I listened to my heart and I realized I had to make more choices and all I can do is pray the choices I make today will make the choices I have to make later, easier instead of harder. 1 choice I made was, yes I need to pay my bills but I also need to feed my family, so i went to walmart. A friend brought me a couple things because they were proud of me for working out. I don't have any workout clothes so they brought me 2 workout shirts, a jump rope and a waist belt thingy. I think a part of me must have known it would come to this because I never removed them from my trunk. I sat in a secluded part of walmarts parking lot and cried for a while and then pulled myself together,, took it inside and returned it all to ease the amount of money I would have to spend on food and necessities. I got chicken, thighs I chose them for their cheapness but also because the skin is easy to remove,, It's all about making the best choices you can given the choices you have.

I also made the choice to try to go to 1500-2000 calories a day. I'm going to aim for 4.. 400 calorie meals and at least 2 snacks of 100 calories or so if needed. I think with my activity level that would help. I'm not quite sure how to go about it, ideally for me with my life the way it is, ediets would be a good choice and I could easily and quickly find 400 calorie meals I can make and like and print out a shopping list immediately, but as that's not one of my choices, I'm trying the library and Internet. So far not much luck and seeing as how I leave by 6 30 every morning.. (earlier if i walk) and don't get home until after 9 pm most nights its going to make things very difficult. I'll just keep praying that the lord shows me something.

well I guess it's back to the drawing board for me. When you lose your way sometimes its better to go back and start at the beginning again. I pray your path is always straight and true. Until next time...

Trina~

Deep breath... Long exhale...........

2010-07-17T17:59:00.000-04:00

Ok.. Here's where I'm at.. I can't pay my bills. I have just received notices of disconnection for both my gas and electric and as my phone bill was due yesterday, I'm sure that will follow. I have an interview next week for an internship site (non paid) and i have no suit and no money to buy a suit. I have gained somehow 35 pounds and am now 2 sizes bigger. I am severely depressed or at the very least hovering there.

What it's doing to my diet. The weight is what broke me. All of the other things are bad granted but when it was just school and money issues, i kept going, i kept praying, whining and moaning but i kept moving, i kept working out, trying to eat right, still killing myself because well, at least i had that to be proud of. I had nothing else that was me.. just me if you understand what i mean, but i had that. I had that; despite everything, i was still pushing foreword, working out 5 hours a day 4-5 days a week. I could do it!!

I admit a large part of me didn't really think i could ever be under 200 but i had that teeny tiny little glimmer of hope and i clung to it,, hidden deep inside me like a candle that's almost gone out. I nurtured it and kept the wind at bay the best i could. I was giving it my all and then some. people said slow down but the working out helped me to forget my problems for 1 more day, It kept the boogey man in the closet and allowed my candles light to glow a little stronger. When i stepped on the scale and saw 261. the world stopped. It was as if a giant gust of wind came and blew away my world. I looked around me and couldn't see.

What do you do when your all is not good enough? Where do you go when there's nowhere left to go. It was as if my world stopped. I know its so sad to allow the scale to have such power over someone, but saying it doesn't change the reality of it. It doesn't change the pain. It doesn't wipe away the disgust i see when i look in the mirror. It doesn't erase the memories of being over 300 pounds, now a mere 40 pounds away. It doesn't erase the blood, sweat and tears that were shed. If the scale should not rule our lives why are we all trying to lose weight? Deluding ourselves wont help. It never does for long. I am scared. I am lost. I am broke. being healthy is a rich mans game. It implies choices, and yes we all have choices on the surface. If i have 20 dollars for food for the week, i can choose to buy the 6lbs of ground turkey that will feed my family of 4 for 2 days or i can choose to buy 20 lbs of the cheapest ground beef and feed us for the entire week. So yes i do have choices, but they all come at a cost. I can't afford the price of either.

I have given up inside, i try not to; but this last week, I've been eating out of control. Not a lot, just things i shouldn't, Doritos. I haven't touched those in 2 years. Doughnuts, I've had 4 in the last 2 days, cookies.. Stuff i haven't been near in years.

I am fighting this though, I'm still looking at diet sites, I'm thinking of things i can do, no ideas yet but I'm thinking, I went to the goodwill and found a suit. I almost cried because i had to buy a 24 and i had gotten to 18/16. I found a budget software for a dollar. I splurged and went to the drive in (6 dollars) with my son last night, to relax and while there i left my name and number with the manager perhaps i can get a part time evening job.

i cant begin to express the agony, the fear, the pain, the frustration in my heart right now. I feel as if I'm a prisoner and have been bound by chains attached to 1000lbs.. and I'm trying to walk with it.. I'm pulling, I'm stumbling, but i haven't stopped.. yet..my candle may still have a little life in it. i don't know how to get the light going again but i will try with what i have left. I am still here. I haven't died yet. I'm tired of being tired and wishing i was dead but i don't know any other way to be.. At the same time i will keep going, i know what awaits me back there and i don't want it. I can only pray theres something better ahead..

negativity.. is that a word.

2010-07-15T03:31:00.001-04:00

I don't know what to say. I woke up afraid and stressed, its 3 in the morning. I had a so so day today. It got really bad for a moment because i let a comment one person made about me hurt me. She said i was a negative person. There's a lot of backstory but im to tired to go into it in detail but basically shes very incompetant and i do mean VERY, which results in me having to question her on a LOT of things she does. I know this and i'm sure since i never have anything good to say to her she sees it that way. Thats actually fine. It did hurt though because we'll truth hurts. I AM a negative person but after 40 years of bieng beat down by life, i dare you to be any other way.. The negativity in my life WAYYY outweighs the positive. im up at 3 in the morning because i cant sleep from stress. Im trying to figure out how to pay 800 dollars in bills with 300 dollars. I cant borrow because realistically i cant pay it back.. lying here,, i tried to think of maybe pawning stuff but the most id get from my pitiful pawnable stuff is probably 100,, i thought about selling my plasma,, can u imagine how much i would have to sell at 35 dollars a pop!! i had to let credit cards go a couple months back so no go there.. credits taken a major hit so theres really nowhere for me to turn, i lie here trying to cry as quietly as possible because my son is in the bed next to me.. im stressed, im exhausted, im afraid any moment we will all be sitting here in the dark,, with no way to cook, barely enough to eat and possibly on the street, im gaining weight,, school is shit and im supposed to be mary fuckin poppins.. not likely... not likely at all.. im sorry,i cant do this right now, im gonna go..

Where to begin..

2010-07-13T05:02:00.002-04:00

Honestly, I really don't know. Ive been M.I.A. for so long and so many things are happening to me right now i just have no clue where to begin. I want to cry but I'm at school in the lab, my classmates haven't arrived yet but well that's OK too. To say my life as of late has been difficult would be the understatement of the year. Ive had many more downs than ups. Normally i talk about everything because i believe everything that's going on in my life affects my diet, but i can't right now. it's all so painful i have repressed it and even mention or thought makes my eyes well in tears and i have no time for tears or pain right now. I will attempt to talk about the food part of it. I'm struggling mightily.

I have been eating pretty much the same lately. I always eat healthy and I'm always hungry. I'm probably always hungry because i work out so much. That's what makes this so hard for me to understand. I seem to have gained 30 pounds. Last week i got on the scale at the gym and it read 260. I had gotten to 234. Why is this happening to me. OK before i go further let me outline my day to you, this is pretty usual for me at least 4-5 days a week.

I'm out my door to school by 7.. i go directly from school to the YMCA and train with my trainer generally 2-3 hours, i leave there and go to weight masters gym and put in another 2 or so hours with calisthenics and boxing. I usually get home around 9 p.m. exhausted.,, the food i eat all day is the food i can carry with me usually.

breakfast at 630.. cereal or protein shake.. or hi protein bagel

snack at 10.. fruit or nature valley bar..

lunch at noon, usually turkey burgers (homemade), or spaghetti 1 1/2 cup of sauce and 1 1/2 c wheat noodles or a grilled chicken breast. i try to precook and package when i can.

fruit throughout the day,, usually applesauce, about 2 cups, grapes about a pound or 2,, apples, sometimes 2 or 3.. the fruit part varies a lot,, depends on what i have on hand and how much.

in a pinch if i can't carry all my food, my standard "fast food" meal is a subway turkey breast on whole wheat, scooped roll and if I'm really hungry a bag of sun chips with it. I normally also have a protein shake or 2 during the day on workout days, which consist of a scoop of powder with water. each scoop is about 90 cals. (gnc amp extreme). The serving is 3 scoops.

with that being said,, even if I'm eating too much food, (if anything puts me over it'll be the fruit) i should be maintaining with all the working out i do. It's a horrible vicious cycle. When i weighed myself at the gym, i stood on the elliptical and thought of all the things i could do.

diet pills, vomiting, surgery, trying to force myself to stop eating... i did my 10 minute warm up and went into the studio, allowed myself a few tears that i couldn't seem to hold back. barely 3 minutes and went back to working out. My knees ache,, I now have fluid pockets in both my knees, but i don't know any other way to live. I feel like if i stop I'll die. If i gained 30 pounds working out 5-7 hours a day.. what will happen to me if i stop? Where will i be? I feel like no one understands. theres nothing else for me to do.

I'm sooo close to giving up. I just feel like i can't do this anymore. I'm so tired of sitting here crying and wishing i was dead. I wasn't able to finish this at school, it's now 4 in the morning and i woke up stressed again, crying again over bills and weight etc:.. i even entered a give away for medifast. I won't win. people like me never do. i'm not even sure why i "entered". I was thinking about trying ediets again, It was something that in the past when i followed it worked for me, i asked my aunt for a gift membership for a year because i knew she was the only 1 i know generous enough to do it and that could afford it. turns out my brother borrowed 700 dollars off of her for a door and never repaid it, now shes bitter and upset and refuses to do anything else for our family. which explains why my children havent gotten gifts from her this year. sigh.. ahh well,, such is my life.

well I'm going to post this, sorry for any typos or if i rambled or left things out but right now i don't have it in me to proof read or fine tune..

It is as it shall be and no more and i would like to especially thank you Juliet and Patrick for stopping by and checking up on me. it really felt good to know someone cared enough to do so. It touched me in ways you'll never know and in part is the only reason i'm here trying to post right now. Thank you so much.

"Viviendo mi vida loca" (Living my crazy life!!)

2010-05-28T22:40:00.000-04:00

Ok you know how sometimes you wish for things, but when you get them, they're not exactly how you pictured them or wished for them??

Sigh.. Ok remember last blog i was all excited about my new outlook on the world. Well I'm still hanging in there. I'm grinning and gritting my teeth and bearing it.

I had this weekend all planned out. The car shop told me my car would be ready on Thursday. I was nervous and praying everything went ok. It did. I was pleased with the job they did. Oddly i was still very nervous about the idea of what they thought about me. I just can't seem to shake that wanting to be liked by everyone feeling you know. So anyways, My weekend plan is to go and hang out and spend time with my longtime friend, Dawn. (wow i hope that link thingy works, I'm becoming a blogger extraordinaire!) anyways, I've been wanting to have time to do this for years but for one reason or another never did. This time i said. I'm doing it. Me and Von are gonna get in the car, Ala Thelma and Louise. (without the cliff ending!) and go have a wonderful relaxing weekend! This was going to kick off my "giving up the stress" movement.

So I had a plan. Yes I'm a list/planner person.Thursday at lunch i was gonna pick up car at lunchtime, i was going to go to store after school, hit library for books on CD. GREAT way to pass long trips!! Books on CD are not just for kids!! Wash clothes, pack up, and rest, so on Friday i could go to school, leave directly from school to doctors, pick up Von and hit the highway!! WRONG!!

First on Thursday I woke up with a splitting headache, throughout the day, i had a few instances of vertigo. No biggie, i assumed it was from the stubborn headache. Things went according to stressful plan until i hit Walmart. I was so tired and i didn't feel so well. Couple that with it was hot, and my car has leather seats, a leather steering wheel and NO air conditioning!! I decided to just go to walmart and then drop my girlfriend off, go home and rest a little. Well while at walmart all of a sudden, the right side of my face went numb. I had an inside panic attack. I calmly removed my earpiece, felt my face, went through the "stroke" check list in my head. No loss of motion, check. I quickly checked out and asked my girlfriend to look at my face and was i speaking OK. My speech was clear, I was able to smile,check.. but this pesky numbness bothered me. I decided to go to the emergency room just to be on the safe side. Then go home and rest.

It's Friday night and I'm still in the hospital!! They wanted to check me for a T.I.A. or mini stroke. I have been prodded and poked and scanned and you name it. Soon after i got placed in my room, my best friends sister called me and told me, probably about the time i had the 'walmart" numbness episode. My dear friend had passed away. I was heartened she told me she was there and her brother actually came and was there too. She's in a better place now i know. She didn't die alone. I didn't want that for her, so I'm glad they could be with her. I will miss her dearly and i think i still need to really mourn her properly but given my current condition, I'm not dealing with those feelings just yet.

All of this has been a tremendous source of stress, but I'm refusing to give in to it!!. I'm still planning the moment i get sprung from here going on my trip!. I'm making lists, fighting boredom and head hunger. That is the worst when your bored. I'm also forcing myself to get rest. I even considered asking them do they have a gym!! My blood work is "OK" my good cholesterol is way low. There's no medication for correcting that, The only way to increase it is supposed to be diet and exercise!! Are you kidding me!! My exercise regimen is crazy and my eating, with a few exceptions is pretty damn good.

Ive also been seen by neurologists in case its migraine related. I'm very disappointed as i could have been released today except Ive been waiting to have the MRI done since 11 this morning and it never happened. They claim I'm first on their list in the morning. So my plan is still to hit the road as soon as i leave here. I'm not giving up; this weekend is going to happen!! Whenever i get scared i just think of that. My nurse came in and asked had my Doppler been discussed with me. I said no. (Doppler is where they took ultrasound pics of the arteries that run up both sides of our neck that supply blood and oxygen to our brain) She said it looks "OK". then goes on to say "not great" but OK. W.T.H. is that??!! I went into mini panic mode. I mean who wants to hear "not great" when talking about that!! What does not great mean!! wooooo saaaaa.... (deep breaths) boy this is gonna be a good trip....

This experience has been a lesson in learning me. As little as last week, i would have been going crazy, been depressed, crying, a blubbering mess. probably making things worse. I won't lie, it's hard, it's calling me, wanting to think negative and give up. I would have been thinking why is it always me. I'm never going to be happy. What did i do that i deserved all these bad things to happen always to me.

Well. You know what. It IS always me, and it's going to continue to be always me, as long as i allow it!! It's all in how you look at it and I'm tired of my previous view, so I'm adjusting the viewfinder.

I'm getting the rest i need, whether i want it or not. I'm getting the best care so if there IS something wrong, it can be caught and taken care of!! I will be fresh for that 6 hour drive!! I get to make 50 million lists so i can carry 3 months worth of things on a 2 day weekend lol. I am learning a new way to look at mi vida loca!! (my crazy life)

P.S. did i tell you i almost got caught in a fight with a neighbors daughter on Wednesday night who's mom came out onto the porch stark, butterball, naked... On a very busy street!! Hmmm I'll have to share that tale with you guys another time!! sorry for rambling post.. I was bored lol.

goodnight all!!

Trina~

Taking baby steps...

2010-05-27T00:07:00.000-04:00

I'm really exhausted today lately ive been up until 11.. then during sleep, i"m tossing n turning.. then back up at 5 in the morning. I should be asleep now, but i didn't want to much time to go by without checking in with you guys. Truth is, even though ive been busy over these few days, I've had a LOT on my mind. I've been wandering by almost in a fog if you will. Trying to figure out how to re-invent me. Now you might say, why should you want to. Well the answer is simple, because i need to. It's so weird I've had all these thoughts swirling in my mind for a couple days now, yet I find myself sitting here unable to put exactly into words what im thinking.

I know that everyone, well most people seem to have adversity in thier life. I think i'm finally seeing that the difference in the outcome is usually in HOW you handle the situation. For the longest time, ive been the fall apart and cry, or run and hide, type of person. In my head afterwards, i always seem to wish i had said or done something different. I always felt powerless to do so though. I remember once many years ago, i had a male that i considered a friend. We were in the lunchline and i was doing what i normally do, Just playing with him and poking him etc: He turned around and slapped me across my face. I didn't cry but i was stunned. I did nothing and neither did anyone else and i was ashamed. I remember going home and getting in the bed and closing my eyes and dreaming up all these scenarios. Like my brothers coming up to beat him up. Like me punching him in the eye, Like someone coming to my rescue. That scenario has followed me. Whenever there's adversity i go into my own little private world and dream up responses. problem is, those dream responses only work IN the dream, so nothing happens.

Where is this going you ask.. (honestly i wasn't sure myself for a minute), It's going to point out this. I realize there were 2 sets of thinking there. His action, which freed him from whatever he was feeling, and my reaction, which did nothing but sit inside me for over 20 years as you can see. Im sure if i ran into him today, he would not recall that incident, or at least not without thought or seeing my face to trigger it. Now im not condoning violence. The point i'm trying to make is this, Holding it in and stewing over it makes it worse. I never saw that before but i spend so much time bieng miserable that it saps my strength. It takes all my joy. It hampers me and immobilizes me. It causes depression and anxiety. I'm realizing now that if i at least TRY, I won't feel so miserable and ashamed. It will force me to be a part of this world. To take my rightful place among the living! I won't speand so much time going, "i wish i had".

This week has been an effort for me because I'm DETERMINED to turn that around. I didn't want to go to the gym, but I've been there everyday this week. Despite shut off notices, a car that wasn't done properly, a girlfriend on her death bed, overdrawn bank accounts, an incompetant lab partner and thoughts of quitting school, and guess what; AMAZING things happened to me. I didn't go get in my car and cry alone, I did however try to sit alone in the cafeteria and people came and sat with me. There i was crying in my cheerios, literally.. and they said, i'm not letting you sit alone. i admit, I was annoyed and thinking. god i wish they'd go away, but the part of me that was struggling to NOT sit in my car was glad i was not alone. I explained to my director why i was thinking of quitting school (something i normally wouldn't have shared) and they refused to let me go!! They helped me pay the overdraft and termination notice! The shop did a shoddy job on my car and even though my knees were shaking and im still nervous about the whole thing. I stood my ground and insisted they do it right or i wasn't paying!! I was almost physically sick after that confrontation, and i had thoughts of, o no!! theyre gonna do something bad to my car and i shouldn't have done that, but my friend said, No you've become a squeaky wheel and they're going to do the best job they can so they can get the check and get rid of you. they know now if somethings wrong, your going to be a pain in thier ass lol. I hope he's right!

Thing is, Even though I still felt scared, and overwhelmed, I kept on pushing. I felt like a zombie, I didn't want to do it. I didn't want to go to the gym, i was tired and my knees ached, But i fought myself every step of the way!! Today when i stepped off the treadmill my the thought in my brain was. I did it!! It's going to take a long time before i can declare myself victorious, but I'm doing it. I'm walking the line. In all this, my eatting has been pretty good. I won't lie, i had a lapse and accidently fell into a bucket of 10 cent wings and accidently inhaled some on the way up lol. That's ok though. it was a choice i made and i didn't and wont beat myself up over it. I'm going to keep on trying to move on!! Baby Steps!!

I want to thank everyone so much. You guys really make me think and are so supportive and its helps me so much. I really am feeling like im not invisible anymore, and i think i like that feeling!!

Finding peace when there seems to be none...

2010-05-24T06:16:00.000-04:00

Lately ive been going through so many things. I used to ask myself "why me" all the time. I no longer do that. instead i moved onto it's always me. I'm like all of the characters we watched as a kid growing up that seem to have nothing but bad luck. Charlie Brown, Linus, etc: I always felt i had a black cloud hanging over my shoulder.

I seemed to expect it, my life isn't right unless something is going wrong. I would always look at other people and think, what's thier secret. How can they be so happy all the damn time!! What is i've done that is so horrible that i have to be punished. I ask myself everyday what it is that i'm doing wrong.

People are always telling me that im strong, that my blessing is around the corner, all the things people say to try to make someone whos hurting feel better. I never believed it, I truly believed i am destined to suffer my entire life and then just die suffering. This week i had given up. I was broken, correction i am broken, but not completely.

Something happened this weekend. Yesterday, i got a call from my best friends sister. My best friend had been going through a lot of things, She had breast cancer, it was very aggressive. She was diagnosed and within 2 weeks of bieng diagnosed, she had to have a mastectomy of her left breast. After that they told her there was still some more that she would need to have removed. I think Clara got scared, within 2 weeks of the mastectomy, with cancer still in her arm, she ran away. She left us and we had no idea where she was. We just prayed one day she would call us.

That one day came last week. She went into the hospital in Atlanta, she couldn't breathe. They discovered she had pnuemonia. When they did the chest xrays they discovered the cancer had spread through her lungs. She will not live. On Tuesday she could still speak enough to refuse treatment. Clara is 41 years old. She has had a hard life. An abusive marraige, she loved kids but was unable to have any. She has a sister, a brother and a mom. Only me and her sister really. Her mom and brother may not even go to see her. I don't want her to die alone but i can't afford to go. I have no money. I dont want her to die alone. She doesn't deserve that. Noone does.

If she knew i was sitting here crying she would fuss at me. Drawl all 4 foot 3 of herself up and give ME a hug. She would try to encourage and comfort me!! She was one of those people i always envied, she never complained out loud, always smiling, always helpful, always loved everyone. I am soo ashamed. I have given up on life when there are those who are fighting for life. I have no right to do that. She would not give up on herself on me and I will NOT give up either. For her, I will live a life she would be proud of. I will learn this lesson. Once she got so mad at me she didn't speak to me for months, i had no idea why and when she did again she told me it was because i had so much. I was so blessed and couldn't even see it. She was right. I didn't see it.

I'm not going to pretend i all of a sudden see it. However i do see i cant give up. Even when my heart and mind and body wants to, i will continue to put one foot in front of the other. I am so numb with pain right now, but i have joy too for all the good times we had and sadness for all the lessons she tried to teach me that i didn't learn. There are so many people who go through things daily, some we may never know how bad it is because they choose to enjoy what they can out of life. This is going to be a long hard road. It's going to be bumpy but im going to make it. There are so many Clara's out there who see the bigger picture.

I can't spend my life thinking about tomorrow. For some tomorrow never comes. We have to live each day as if there will be no tomorrow. I choose to live today.

Clarabell, i love you and you may never see this but you have taught me so much, I will carry you forever in my heart. I will try to live by your example. God is preparing a special place for you. I'll always carry the time with me in the 3rd grade when i spent the night at your house and when we went to school the next day you told everyone i stole your favorite underwear!! I'll bring them with me when i see you again sweety..

P.S. I know you hate it when i call you Clarabell.

Weary...

2010-05-18T16:12:00.000-04:00

I know it's been a couple days since i blogged but i'm going through a really hard time right now. It has nothing to do with weight though.. yet anyways, Ive managed to NOT eat terribly YET. I just keep crying and crying and just can't seem to get up the energy to write. Ever been so afraid you don't know where to turn? Afraid to stop, afraid to keep going. Can't see ahead and the road behind is to awful to contemplate going back to. sigh. Im so tired of bieng tired and scared and worried and stressed. Hopefully in a couple days,,I'll be ready to write. If i'm able.

Lessons learned.. and relearned...

2010-05-14T18:57:00.000-04:00

I want to eat.. I want cake.. I want lots of it.. I want to close my eyes and just feel the texture and savor every morsel... I also want to cry.. Holding in crying makes me want cake... Or a doughnut maybe.. Just some carb sugary goodness from somewhere anywhere to make me feel better..

Whats wrong.. sigh.. I don't know. I've been doing really well this week. I even went to the gym yesterday morning and jogged on the treadmill!! I was so proud of me. Thats a goal of mine. Just to be able to run comfortably when you want to. I don't know if anyone else has experienced this, but sometimes while walking, or walking fast, i just want to break out and run.. No apparent reason for this. Just to do it. Since ive had knee surgeries on both my knees and also have arthritis in them, It's not really advised that i do, but i still aspire to. I don't want to run marathons. Just if the urge hits me, break out into a little jog for a while, not to much to ask i think. Before when i did this, i couldn't take more than a few steps because of pain. Yesterday though, my mind and my body wanted to soar, to run, to be free if even for a moment. I hit the button on that treadmill and took it to 5.1. I jogged. I felt free. I felt excited. The feeling lasted for all of 2 minutes and i slowed to a fast walk but then i did it again.. and again..

My foods been good all week. I don't know if i will show a loss or not but thats ok. I'll adjust the amount if need be. Right now the concern is in getting my meals in. Today though, the stress got to me. Dealing with the insurance company and the garage over my car. My fear the car will never be the same. I know minor things maybe but for me they signaled an attack. I had my lunch all planned out, Turkey burger, fruit etc:,, but my throat closed. I didn't want to do anything but sit in my car and cry. I went to my car but all of a sudden i didn't want to be alone. I didn't want to cry. Well my body did but i didn't feel like giving in to the dispair. I was still at school and boy did i want food, junk food. I went into the cafeteria and ordered a double order of hot wings. 6 to an order. I ate about 10 of them, and about 4 cups of watermelon, but the cake was still calling me. The wings were horrible, and i ate them thinking.. man these are nasty.. but everytime i felt a tear and didnt allow it fall i thought man i want a piece of cake soo bad. So instead of getting the cake, I went up to the computer lab to blog. While there, a classmate who saw me go up, came and asked me would i like to go for a walk by the river. I did, we walked and talked for 45 minutes and i felt lot better.

There is a lesson in this day. Previously i would have sat in my car and not eatten a thing, cried and been miserable the rest of the day. Weakened mentally i would have made bad choices the rest of the day. By making the simple choice to not isolate myself at that time, a chain of events ensued that helped me get through it. I still wanted and still want that cake, but i know every single time i make the choice to have or do something else, Thats a victory!! Yes i ate off plan but it wasn't all bad. I had a long walk after and i was able to contain it. I didn't allow it to give me an excuse to say the hell with it and let the head hunger win.

One step at a time, One decision at a time. Head hunger is like a persistant child. It will not go away quickly or easily. Sometimes it wears away at us and makes deals and bargains. Just this one time can't hurt... Don't fall for the lies!! Say no,, again and again if necessary. You can do it, if you stumble it's ok, stand up straight again and keep on going!

You can do it!! I have faith!!

Simply aThank You..

2010-05-13T05:53:00.000-04:00

I just needed to take a moment to thank you guys. Before i went to bed last night i browsed blogs and did everything i normally do for a few moments, but i avoided my blog. The reason i did that was because i was afraid to reread it. I was afraid of the pain i know is in me. None of those things is new, I mean really, they were my life, but when you keep it inside, you can iggnore it, forget it, Not think about it. When it is laid in fron of you, you have no choice but remember, and of course it hurts. I believe it's a healing hurt though. It's a process of properly "mourning" the past so that i can go on. I was surprised at how many comments i had. I think i felt that writing that blog made me a misfit. Ive shared to much. Made them uncomfortable. Hell i made ME uncomfortable, but isnt that what this is about? getting out of that "comfort" zone that has allowed us to hide for so long?

My childhood made made me who i am. I realize now, i will forever be "bookish". I will forever prefer the company of myself or a single person. I will forever be mentally older than those who are my age. I will forever be the fixer. I really LOVE to do those things. The thing i need to realize is. That is ok!! Once i accept that. Truly accept that, that is who i am, and it's ok. I will be much happier. None of the things i am are bad things. I think somewhere along the line i fell into this idea that life had to fit a "mold". That i began to feel things were so bad for me and i wanted those "book" moms and "tv" moms lives so bad that i lost focus of reality.

I don't know what expectations i had of blogging or if i had any. I do know though that by writing and reading, it has helped me a great deal. I LOVE reading your blogs because it gives me perspective. It makes me ask myself the tough questions. It shows me that wow. There is someone else there who knows, who understands, who can relate. I cannot Thank You guys enough. I get so much from you. I think even though we don't always say it. We get so much from each other. Sometimes i read and the blogs are so inspirational and upbeat all the time and i think. Wow why can't that be me. However at the same time, it gives me the sense that well, he or she is accomplishing it, maybe i can too. The support is awesome and it encourages and helps people. Sometimes it's that one comment that may help someone who's having a tough time make it through the day. I don't have to tell you how good it feels to get that "supportive" hug. Thats all most of us need and for me, your comments are hugs, they say no matter what you think of yourself. We see the person you are peeking out. Sometimes we lose focus of who we are and need someone else to point that person out.

Sometimes the blogs are sad and so filled with pain i just wished i knew where they lived so i could hug them and tell them it was ok.. (although that would probably end up with me blogging from a jail cell lol). I just know there are so many of us in this boat and in this journey, and to any who are silently watching and reading, not knowing what to do, afraid. You are not alone. I feel you, I hear you, I know you, I am you and i thank you for your silent support. I thank you for taking the steps to be here and beginning the process of your healing.

I challenge you all. Wether you share it or not. Think about why you want to lose weight or why your disfunctional with food. Not the cosmetic, like i just wanna be smaller, healthier, etc: Im sure thats part of it, but when your by yourself, examine what it is you REALLY hope will happen when you lose it. What does it signify to you.

Thank you all sooo sooo much. I cannot begin to tell you how it feels to know there's someone out there who hears my cries. I am not alone, and i can do this!!

Well it's time for my walk and talk with my heart. I wonder what goodies todays walk will be. My focus is going to be on rewarding myself.

Talk to you soon

Trina~

the past DOES define who we are....

2010-05-12T08:29:00.000-04:00

If we let it!! However it does not define who we will or can become. During my walk today i asked myself the age old question. Why do i want to lose weight. What do i hope to gain from it, and what are my weight loss goals. You would think with a beginning of 385lbs and a loss of 140lbs. I would have those answers by now but i didn't. Largely because i was afraid i just didn't know. I just "wanted to be smaller" was the idea. O i could spout off. To get healthier, but well, technically i am, I was type 2 diabetes and now im not. How about, to fit into a roller coaster seat and ride with my children. Well to my astonishment and discomfort. I did that last year. Ummmmm how about so i don't have to shop online and buy too expensive ugly grandma clothes!! Did that too. Ok so by all intents and purposes i have a achieved the goal of "just bieng smaller" so why do i continue to try to lose weight?

Next question; Why have i not set a goal. That ones simple. Fear!! With no goal, theres no failure and lets face it, isn't that the biggest and most uncomfortable fear of all??

What do i hope to gain from it?? Ahhhhhh now HERE is the meat of the questions. As i walked and pondered these questions, this one kept resurfacing. Some people say, I don't understand why therapists always want to go into your past. How is that going to help. Well its simple. A person with no past is always lost. Our ENTIRE lives is what defines us. Its defines the way we see things, the way we react to situations and how we behave. We LEARN. Much like babies. Bad relationships, good relationships etc: I will use me as an example.

My mom had me when she was 16, She moved out when she was 19, and then had another baby. By the time i was 7 i was babysitting overnight for my 2 baby brothers, I was never allowed outside to play so i started reading books. I have no sisters or female cousins in my age range. All i did was read and babysit, pretty much my whole life. I became bookish, had panick attacks in the third grade and never had a real friend because i was never allowed outside, and if i did i had to tow around 2 baby brothers, each 3 yrs apart. When something happened, it was my fault. When i tried to surprise her at 10 by letting one of her friends help me clean the house for when she came home from work they stole some things, it was my fault. Everything became my fault. The reason she couldn't keep a man, If my brothers did something wrong, I got beat for it. All i ever wanted was acceptance and a mom. I can't recount all the times i tried so hard to gain acceptance from her. I can remember stealing candy and risking beatings from an extension cord belt she made by braiding 3 extension cords together. So i could take it to school and GIVE it away to the other kids because i thought this would make them like me. hang out with me. I was always a part of the "in" crowd but never an emotional part. I didn't have any "real" social skills. hell by the time i was 15 most of my baby brothers friends thought i was his mom. He even at one point started calling me mommy and asking me instead of her for things!! I still had panick attacks and tried to kill myself at 16 by taking a bottle of tylenol. I thought noone will notice i'm gone, I was so lonely and miserable. When falling asleep from the tylenol, i realized it was true. Noone in my house ever spoke to me or noticed me unless they needed something. it was usual for me to spend days in my room reading. I realized this was it i could die, and at the same time i realized i didn't want to die, and so i went and told her what i'd done. When they released me from the hospital they recommended therapy for US. She said we didn't need therapy and refused to go.

Fast foreward 30 years. Im still bookish, uncomfortable around people. Driven to do everything perfect so theres nothing left to be "my fault". Feeling pain and hurt at not bieng included in things i don't even like to do with people i have NOTHING in common with. I usually refuse or have trouble accepting help from anyone because i never want to be in a position where someone can come to me and say "i did this for you". I want to run away from my family because im so sick of caring for people. I'm burned out. At 40.

Now i'm not looking for pity, or sympathy or woe is me crap. Nor am i looking to place blame. This is NOT about blame. it's about accepting WHO you are for WHAT you are, and to do that you need an accurate grasp on WHO you are. It's about seeing what it is you do, and why you do it, so you can change it. You can't change something you refuse to acknowledge or see. It's about going into the water dirty and emerging reborn and clean.

Through all this i realized that I was secretly thinking if i lost enough weight, I would fit in, People would like me and include me and love me. As painful as it is, I see now, losing all the weight in the world won't give me that. I set out on a losing battle from the door. I need to learn to like me, include me, and love me all by myself, and maybe then i will actually begin to see and allow the people inside who are out there that also want that for me.

My weight loss goal is 180lbs.

Trina~

this is one of the hardest things ive ever done...

Affirm and reaffirm and damnit,, affirm it again!!

2010-05-12T06:01:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was an up and down day for me. Long story short, about mid-day i decided i had given up, thrown in the towel. I was tired of life, of caring, of everything in general. it lead me to eatting badly. Ummm i won't go into many details here either, I had fried chicken, birthday cake, (twice!), cheetoes, and just in general ate bad and nothing was enjoyable. It tasted like mud!

I still for lord knows what reason forced, and i do mean forced myself to go to the gym and do a step class. While i was there a "group" of girls i know came in and basically iggnored me, talking about texting each other and phone calls etc: and again i felt so alone and left out. It hurt, I wanted to cry and leave the gym to never come back, but i figured i was there so i may as well get through the class.

An amazing thing happened to me as i stood in the front row, hair all over my head, sweating, looking rediculous ontop of my stepper. I stared at my reflection and said, FUCK EM!! (scuse my french) You are not here for them. You want this for you. Your going to do it, you don't need socializing and to be included in anything. YOU can do this. Don't get me wrong, it still will hurt, i still will hate to go to the gym with them. I have no choice, they work with my trainer also and are her friends, but i will not let them bring me down or cause me to lose my focus!

After that i went to the park and walked for about a mile and thought about things. I came home renewed. I packed my lunch, I made my snacks, I planned my 5 mini meals. i decided to add walking in the morning back into my life. I laid out my clothes, all i had to do was get up at my normal time, wash myself, get dressed and head out the door an hour earlier thanks to last nights preparations. So far today i am on schedule!!

During this walk today i'm going to ask myself key questions that i never settled on before. What are my goals. In weight loss and life. Why do i do this. Where do i hope to be and what do i hope to happen. I have so many questions and so few answers, I hope to sort some of that out and get it down on paper. Well now im running behind lol!! time to get out that door. have a blessed day all!!

It's ok to lose focus, over and over again... just keep finding it and you'll be ok!!

Confessions of disfunctional eatting....

2010-05-11T05:55:00.001-04:00

Yesterday, after i weighed myself in the morning. I lost control and focus. I mean i felt in control and yet i wouldn't eat. My brain refused to accept the idea of food. I did try. I carried a protein shake, an orange and a granola bar with me. I had a 6 hour forensic science symposium to attend. I got to hear Dr. Ceryl Wecht speak. (whom by the way is a brilliant man!) He spoke on all the Kennedy cases he's done an autopsy on or been present for. He also spoke on many other famous cases he's been a part of such as Jon Benet Ramsey, OJ, 3 or 4 of the Kennedy's, he even spoke about Marilyn Monroe!! OK i digress

Anyways I think in my head that i had decided to try and not eat. Stupid right? I mean i never had a "clear" conscious thought of this, It's hindsight. It's like my answer to feeling like i have no control over food is to try and eliminate it from my life. I'm sitting here and trying to work this out in my head because i just don't know. Sometimes, i sit and i read these other blogs and they are so wonderful and inspirational and eloquent and I hate to admit it, Some of them make me feel like a failure. They make me feel like i should be invisible and i should just hide and watch everything from behind the "curtain". Here i am, whining and moaning and crying all the time, I don't even have any good pictures,or good tips, I don't really seem to have anything worth anything to give and i just don't understand. Why it seems everything i touch or try to do turns to crap?

I keep pushing though, mostly because i don't know what else to do. I'm afraid of where I'll end up if i stop pushing, yet afraid of there being nothing ahead to push to. Does that make any sense? This weekend when i saw my grandma, she told me, you have to be able to let some things go. She said you only have 1 brain and if you fill it up with stuff, you have no room for you anymore then where will you be? You'll be lost. No home inside yourself. Ive been thinking about that a lot lately. Seems that's all i do is think.

Yesterday, i thought i had it all together, I tried to make myself eat correctly, i really did. Verity commented on my blog and i kept saying to myself she's right. eat damnit!! What she said really rung true inside me but there was something else inside me stronger. That damn fear of food. I was going to eat my orange first but then i got scared, i said what if i eat this and it makes me hungrier. What am i gonna do!! So i put it off. When i finally ate something it was 1 in the afternoon. The second speaker was putting me to sleep and i was in the front row, so i decided to hang out at the "refreshment" table. Yeah baddddd idea!! I started out by by picking up one of those saucer sized plates and putting some pretzels and salty homemade chips on it to nibble on. I estimate i had about 3 of them and from there my eating went downhill. This is my total food for yesterday, eating while simultaneously trying to not eat.

dinner plate of homemade salty potato chips, pretzels, and a few tortilla chips (best est:)
large orange
granola bar
a diet Pepsi
3 tablespoons tuna fish salad
8 crackers
4 triangular wedges of watermelon
3 brownies
and a bowl of cereal before bed (multigrain cheerios)

That is everything i consumed yesterday. It looks like so little to the eye, but my brain is whispering "thats way to much food!!)..I remember when eatting the tuna thinkinking to myself. You gotta stop!! I went straight home and to sleep after the symposium. Now i sit here with the same problem today i had yesterday. I'm not hungry, I'm afraid to eat because eating will make me more hungry. I have no idea what if anything to make for lunch today at school but I'm going to make something anyways and pray i get through eating it without much trouble. Well i better get going.

I hope everyone has a wonderful, stressfree day.

A new nightmare....(maybe)

2010-05-10T08:19:00.000-04:00

I'm frustrated. No I'm not in meltdown stage my mask is firmly in place and no one but you guys will be able to know how I'm feeling on the inside. I'm frustrated and and feeling all scared and balled up in knots inside today. Today was weigh in Monday and i was afraid to get on the scale but i did it anyway. I know there's no getting away from that so I suck it up and head to the basement. Well I'm up 0.4 lbs. which doesn't seem like much but it still makes me want to cry. I'm trying SO damn hard!! I walked 5 miles on Saturday. I was so proud of myself, i had never done that before. It was hard. O sure i can work weights like a monster, but i usually walk about 2 miles at a stretch and just have all my normal activity. Plus with school the walking had stopped remember? So this was a challenge. I had to split it up, 3 in the morning and another 2 in the evening but i did it. On top of all the other stuff i do. Sigh. It hurts inside though, i can't figure out what I'm doing wrong. Of course my mind is screaming you eat too much, your a pig and that's why you can't lose. I'm trying very hard to ignore it but i know my activity level is on the extremely active or above scale so it has to be the food and I'm ashamed to say the voice is winning. I haven't eaten anything yet and I'm not hungry. It's only 8 a.m. but considering i usually have breakfast by 6 I'm already thrown off schedule and every time i say to myself you gotta go eat something, my throat closes up. Sigh..

Subject change sorta. Guess what happened to me this weekend. At about 3 in the morning Sat night, well Sun. morn. I hear a big boom, it's like a bomb went off, so i run outside to see whats happening. A lady ran into my neighbors car which was a car length behind my car. She hit it so hard it sandwiched his car and rammed it under my car!! Sigh if it wasn't for bad luck i wouldn't have any luck at all.

This is my poor Maxima that i struggled for YEARS just to be able to afford and have only had for 3 months!! The trunk doesn't open and my dash is lit up like a Christmas tree. sigh.. but at least it's not my neighbors car.. The one sitting on my bumper.. This is what his car looks like from behind...

Sigh.. The lady that hit the cars is absolutely fine,, She got out of her Honda crv and walked away without a scratch. God truly is amazing. The police estimate she was going between 70-90 mph when she hit our parked cars. She said she fell asleep. She wasn't drunk and really didn't seem hi so i do accept her excuse. (I guess that's what you would call it) Wanna hear something else.. When we finally got to the exchange info part at the end, I discovered this "woman" was younger than my daughter!! She was 16!! Had just recently gotten her license!! So umm why was she speeding through town at 3 in the freaking morning!!! at 16!! alone in a car!! with a Jr license that says your not allowed to drive after 11 p.m. without an adult in the car with you!! I'm just speechless. Well, i need to head to the body shop and then attend a forensic Science symposium for school. That's a whole different stress. I'm a social misfit! I don't know how to mingle with people i don't know!! This is supposed to be a networking event. The only networking I'll probably will do is with a chair in a quiet corner losing myself in the current book I'm reading. Pray for me today guys, Keep me in your hearts and minds, Send comfort and courage my way. I need it!! (Don't worry though guys, despite ALL this, on the outside I'm holding it together!!)

Regaining perspectives...

2010-05-08T09:45:00.000-04:00

Today is a new day in many senses of the word. I got up this morning with a headache, you know the kind where your not sure you slept too much or not enough. I was plagued by dreams last night. I dreamed i got an email saying i had breast cancer and uterine cancer and i had only a few months to lose the rest of the weight i wanted to lose before i died. I wasn't sure what the message in that dream was about. Surprisingly i didn't wake up terrified or in a cold sweat or anything. I wonder if maybe it was fear because last night, I decided today was the day i get my butt in gear. Today is the first day in my new battle.

I took a moment to think about what helped me the most when i was losing.

1) I was walking almost every morning. Yes i was tired but it gave me time to spend for reflection, relaxation and it was the time i felt closest to God. Where i gave him my fears and problems and praised him and spent time with him. I stopped walking because it became to hard to fit it in since i leave for school at 7 and already get up at 5. I realize now though that after those walks, my day went better, i was able to deal with things better.

2)Eatting, I was diabetic so i had cut out ALL sugar. When it was a question of my life, i did it unthinkingly and after a while i didn't miss it much. I was able to turn it down easier because i equated it with needles in the stomach. I also ate according to a plan. I carried a lunch EVERYWHERE! To picnics, to parties, even if going out for a quick stop or to friends house for a couple hours "just in case". I ate something every few hours, I got ALL of my sugar from fruits. Once i started school, and dropped weight and am now no longer considered diabetic i started having a cookie here or there, a piece of chocolate etc: Of course you see where this is headed.

3)I didn't deprive myself of anything, If i wanted a cookie i got one, i just TOOK THE TIME to find a sugar free one, or a healthier version that i loved just as much. If i had to have those mashed potatoes, i would eat half, I began to realize it is OK to not belong to the clean plate club. That food doesn't have to be my enemy. That maybe some things just aren't worth the price. I get to choose what price i want to pay for what items and that covers everything from purses and shoes to food! I also didn't beat myself up. I just had to learn moderation. For instance, i can't have a large bag of sunchips in my home, I realize even though they may be a healthier choice of a chip, i have no control and will eat the whole bag. That is not healthy. Instead, when i want sunchips and just have to have them, i go and buy the 99 cent bag. Yes the whole thing is probably more than 1 serving, however it's not as many as eatting a whole giant bag and invariably i don't eat them as much because out of sight out of mind. When i buy granola bars i keep them in my trunk. When i want 1 it's usually inconvienient to get it lol. I transfer 1 a day to my armrest and that keeps me accountable, and keeps me from inhaling the whole box.

4) Exercise.. I began to enjoy exercise because it energized me and made me feel good after. I enjoyed the people at the gym, I took pride in bieng able to do the things i was able to that i never thought i could. Then I allowed failing knee's and shoulders and feet bring me down and rob me of that joy. I stopped focusing on what i could do and began to focus on what i wanted to do but couldn't. I realize now that everyone can't be Arnold Swartzenegger (sp. lol). Who am i trying to impress?? I'm so competitive!! I even get on my teachers nerves lol. really though....

I know that the feeling of bieng out of control will happen again and again. I also know the key to regaining control is having a strong foundation and a good perspective on things. Knowing what works for yourself is the key. Taking the time to get to know yourself is half the battle and that's what this blog is about for me. Yesterday when i blogged and posted my pictures, I realized i STILL feel like that first picture. The lady smiling at you from the bottom is not me. I looked and looked at that picture and said to myself. I wish i really was as pretty as her. I know that seems crazy because it is me. However it's not the me that i see when i look in the mirror, and until i face those demons and learn what it is that keeps me seperate from her. I can't end this war within myself. This need for acceptance and validation but fellow bloggers. I am well on my way.

Like im fond of saying. It aint gonna be a pretty ride.. but it's too late to get off now!!

Trina~

A revealing look at the "me" of it all....

2010-05-07T20:35:00.000-04:00

I feel pretty ok today, I want to thank everyone for thier supportive words during my "dark time". i'm not going to say everything is all peachy keen and great and i'm totally back on the "eat healthy" bandwagon. I ate like crap today, I had god only knows how many cookies and handfulls of potatoe chips and i think i blacked out because i seriously cannot remember what else i ate! So has she lost it finally you ask? Why is she so happy all of a sudden.

The answer is, I have NO freakin idea. I got a little extra rest that may be it, I aced my practical exam today, that may be it, I didn't have to go to the gym today.. Hmmm i dunno. I think i just got tired of whining and crying, bitching and moaning. Clearly im unable to go back to the way i was so i may as well go foreward right. Your probably wondering where back was. this was the beginning for me. i never had the courage to post this before but now i do. I can't forget where i have been anymore than i can stop looking forward to where im going. That is where i was. I look at that picture and i think wow.

(6/2008)

How, when and where did this happen? Why? I dunno, I just know i'm not going back there. If i can find joy in anything. I should be able to find joy in that thought. Now thats not to say im happy where im at. this is where i am right now. As of today in my doctors office. Sigh i'm not happy there either. Look at (5/7/2010)

That gut!! All the shirring in the world can't hide that gut,, but you know what,, if it went from picture one to this,, It can down even more. I think my lesson for today is I'm going to have bad days, Im going to have melt downs and crying spells, Days where i kick and scream and want to die and days where i just have to have that pack of cookies, but IT'S OK!! long as i remember, I get to pick and choose my battles in this war. I am in control of what happens and as long as even a small part of me is willing to fight. I WILL EMERGE THE VICTOR!!! It may take another year. It may take longer but i'm not going to just give up. The finish line is right around the corner and when i reach it.. this is the face you'll see.

Just hopefully a little slimmer!!

Thank you all because without your encouragement and words that have given me sooo much to think about and have really made me realize. I don't stand alone. I'm not the only one out there hurting. There are wonderful people just like you, beside me, in front of me,, and even those i don't see behind me holding me up. Thank your for the accountability.

Trina

(That pic was saturday 5/1/2010)

The baker is my pusher and snickerdoodles are my drug of choice...

2010-05-06T19:52:00.000-04:00

I have a lot on my mind today. Well, everyday usually. I'm sitting here and I have all these feelings built up and so much i want to say but i don't know where to begin. Maybe just talking about my day today would be a good start. I thought today that my funk was over. I got up, I ate breakfast, I added 2 pieces of toast to my protien shake and watermelon breakfast. (my attempt at adding more food). I also added another slice of bread to my tuna fish and watermelon lunch and an orange. School was so-so. I was thinking, ok Trina, it's bounce back time, I gave myself the whole ra-ra you can do it speech. I came back in from lunch a few minutes early, signed up for yet another "track your food and calories" website. I was so ready!!

So why when i went into Sam's club shopping for food did it all of a sudden fall apart. I was walking down the isles looking at food packages and reading labels, I remember thinking to myself. O this looks good, then looking at the label and putting it back on the shelf. After isle after isle of that, I snapped. I just stopped and wanted to cry. All of a sudden i was so DAMN tired of counting calories, of looking at fat and sodium, or buying something not because it i LIKED it but because it was all i was "allowed" to have. I wanted to cry and scream, or run away, or something. Instead i ate. I ate 6 cookies and 2 slices of pizza. I would have eatten a giant buttery pretzel with lots of salt too if it wasnt for the fact the machine was broken. I hated myself while i ate. yet still i ate. I said to myself, I don't care anymore.

People have told me before that i don't eat enough. I agree this is more than likely true. Ive never been a big eatter. truth be told, most of the obese people i know aren't big eatters. just disfunctional eatters. lots of hi fat fast food and not much activity is usually the culprit. I have yet to see these large overweight people who eat whole roast pigs, 4 pounds of bacon, 2 dozen eggs etc: just for breakfast like on a few of these talk shows. However society says this must be true of all of us. I remember going to nutritionists and doctors and they all approached me as if i hid in the closet eatting massive amounts of food. I did hide when i eat and still do but thats because if your large, it seems to be pumped into you that eatting is bad. Almost as if by bieng thin a person is automatically thought to be "eatting correctly" As if a large person can't just like a salad. If a large person is eatting a salad, the concensus is "they're on a diet". There always seems to be a judgement attached to food. So is it any wonder when my scale says 250lbs. My brain says eat less? More food =weight gain. Least thats what i was always told. At one point i had become so afraid of food i was consuming only 500 calories on a good day. Not because I wanted to but because I was afraid. I am afraid of food. There i said it. Does it change anything? Not really.

It controls me and i can't escape it. It's like the Baker is a pusher and im addicted to his drug. The gym is rehab. 12 steps aren't working for me. I know i should eat more but i can't. the fear is like a vice around my throat. tighter than a too small turtle neck. It's so easy for others to say. Just eat more. Like im normal. meanwhile, I'm NOT normal. Counting calories? Starving oneself? Eatting and hating oneself because of what i ate. Fighting with myself to get on the scale every week. Telling myself i won't cry if it moved up, or didn't move at all. Going to the gym even when im dog tired, or in pain? Barely bieng able to walk some days because my knees hurt so bad from the gym. Does that sound normal? Do people with a healthy BMI who have never been overweight do those things? better yet are they encouraged to do those things? Is what they are eatting EVER questioned?

Sigh ok, I'm just sick of whining, I'm sick of this pity party, Im sick of bieng me. Right now i can't decide if it's my life i hate or me. Some days are usually better than others. The mask i wear is falling off and i can't seem to stop it. All the great things i tell myself are right around the corner after all this is over are looking like pipe dreams. Fantasies. Like the stories i used to tell my daughter when she was a small child.

The only joy i had in my life was food, when your poor and material things are usually out of the question, it's food that comforts you when the lights go out and you have no way to pay the bill. It's food that holds your hand when your lonely and the kids are asleep and your demons are awake, It's food that is there to comfort you when someone dies, It's food that is there when things get to be too much to handle. it's food thats there to reward you for a job well done. It's food thats there for celebrations, and parties and graduations. Food is a comforter, a fixer, a helper, and even a lover. (chocolate can be oragamic!) How do you let go? Why do i have to let go? Can i let go.....

(i swear the song from new jack city is playing in my head right now. "im your pusher" I think it's called and that is soooo my signal to end this.)

When I began this blog I didn't know where it would go or why, but there it is in all it's awful glory. Tragedy is, I'm still hungry and even though ive told myself i don't care anymore etc: etc: I wont eat. I'll sit here on my computer and every so often think to myself, man im hungry, and just iggnore it.

none

2010-05-04T04:49:00.001-04:00

It's 4 in the morning and im scared. I woke up stressed over things at about 2:30. I have school in the morning, we're in the lab doing titrations. I went to the gym today and pushed through a workout. well yesterday. My knees ached and i was so tired but i just kept thinkinking to myself, I'm disgusting, I'm tired of bieng the fat girl. They have those huge mirrors in the gym, you know the floor to ceiling ones. So im on the weights side you know, the side with the men. I'm doing bicep curls. 2 sets of 25 with 25lb weights and 2 sets of 20 with 30 lb weights and im watching myself in the mirror. I just kept staring at my hair all over the place, the spare tire around my middle, the sag underneath my arms. My knock knees and big thighs and thinking to myself I could be lifting a million pounds on each arm and it wouldn't make a difference. I'd still be awful. I'll still never be attractive. I'd need major work to just not be gross. I wanted to cry. I hated myself. I felt cheated, why can't i be one of the beautiful people. Why am i so ugly? Losing the fat won't help that. I don't know, I don't care anymore. Instead, i finished my sets and someone talked me into taking a circuit training class. So i wobbled through that. I don't feel like i got a good workout but hat wasn't the classes fault. My heart just wasn't in it.

I came home starving, I ate a piece of steak and 2 slices of bread. Some applesauce and grapes, and a banana, at the time i felt like i was gorging myself, i was still so hungry but i was clueless about what to eat. I went to sleep and woke up starving and with a panic attack over bills. So here i am, alternately crying and starving. The stress makes me feel weak. Like i can't move or function but im sooo hungry. I'm so scared. I don't understand my disfuctionality with food. A part of me knows it's not just about the food, I probably can't gain control of my food until i gain control of my life. Ironically i feel i can't get control of my life till i get control of the food and lose the weight. Im on this awful merry go round and it's going faster and faster. I can't seem to get off. If i try and jump now i feel like i'll die.

Im sorry for such downer blogs but i need to be honest with how im feeling.

Yesterdays food...

Breakfast.. protien shake,, 2 cups watermelon

Lunch.. 2 turkey sandwhiches on wheat, 4 cups of watermelon

snacks.. 2 oranges, banana

Dinner.. steak, 2 slices wheat bread, grapes and applesauce

Just another Pity Party...

2010-05-03T06:55:00.000-04:00

Im tired, Im angry, Im frustrated, Im stressed, Im lonely and Im scared. Sigh.. I'm also isolating and by blogging i'm trying to force myself out of this mode. It doesn't help anything. At the same time though i can't really see a reason for not isolating, but here i am.

I suppose your wondering whats going on. Too much to post but i'll give a brief overview. Last Friday my 17 year old daughter didn't come home, call or anything. I found her safe the next day but if your a parent you understand that does not overshadow the damn 24 hrs of hell you go through in that 1 night. Of course i put her on punishment. Now i get to see me plastered all over her facebook page how she hates me, and her life etc: etc:.. My marraige is falling apart. It's pretty much over after 20 years. He isn't a bad man, Im not abused, or cheated on (at least in the last 12 that i know of), but he's no help to me. I'm essentially raising the kids alone. Yes he also works, but the feelings are pretty much gone on my part. he doesn't spend any time with our son, He doesn't help with the kids or around the house, other than working a job thats not giving him enough hours, add to that child support coming out of said check for a past transgression, add to that he wont answer the phone when they try to call him in for extra hours, add to that when he's not at work he's hanging out with his friends playing video games and smoking weed. I'm tired of adding to that, either you get the picture or you don't. Next problem.. Umm i have 3 checks out 2 of which are going to bounce more than likely today. Umm my phone will probably also get cut off this week. Umm the scale isn't moving and I am Literally busting my ass in the gym, I haven't been posting my workouts lately because im too tired but it's more of the same or more.

I don't seem to eat anything much these days but fruit, i don't know where to turn. I'm scared. I can't even figure out anymore food to stop eatting. Im so tired!! I go to school from 7 am till 3pm.. Then i go straight to the gym where i spend on average 2-3 hours, then even though im exhausted and hurting, I have had 2 knee surgeries and i currently have a torn rotator cuff, (shoulder) that requires surgery. I have to go home and clean up my completely nasty bug infested house with no help. Last week i just slid down the wall in my kitchen to floor and sat there and cried. I'm so tired of crying but i just don't know what else to do. I'm so broken and i just keep pushing foreward but things just seem to keep getting worse for me.

Yes this is a pity party and i am wearing my crown proudly. I just came up from the scale and i haven't lost anything. After everything ive done, deprived myself of even 1 damn cookie, miserable and hungry every day ontop of everything else and i'm still fat!! tearing my body apart, in pain daily and for what?

Because i KNOW there has to be something better out there somewhere right? The weight WILL eventually move, The bills WILL eventually get paid, I'll just have to pull up my big girl panties and make what i have work. I WILL maintain my 4.0 GPA. I WILL NOT just give in. I WILL still eat my single sanwhich and tub of watermelon for lunch in my car today because i REFUSE to lay down and die. I WILL be all i can be and without the aid of uncle sam because, well because there's nothing else to be done.. There is no going back. So all i can do is go foreward and pray that one of these days, when i turn the bend on the road that is my life. I'll see something wonderful at the end that will make all of this worth it.

On that note.. You all have to get out because this pity party is over!!

Enjoy your day and count and number your blessings.

Trina~

Why am i blogging? What's the point? Who do i think i am anyways?

2010-04-30T00:30:00.000-04:00

Sigh.. I have so much on my mind lately i don't know where to begin. Jack sh*t posted a blog a few days ago about blogging and I've been thinking about it. Why do i blog? Honestly i don't know. Sometimes i think it's about approval and validation. I was 385 pounds, diabetic, on heavy medication for depression, I felt invisible and unloved and scared and wanted to die, I felt empty. After a little over a year i had dropped 150 pounds, completely off depression meds, back in school full time, no longer diabetic but guess what?? I still feel invisible, i STILL feel empty, I still feel unloved, unworthy and scared. The fat left me but why didn't the other stuff go with it? I had hopes and dreams a skinnier me would make all the difference.I would fit in, I would love parties, I would magically become popular!! I didn't. Sigh...

I realized the weight is but a symptom, or perhaps the weight caused new symtoms, who knows, i just know the insecurity is here. bottled up. So when my girlfriend admitted to me she had been blogging for some time i decided to give it a try. maybe talking stuff out would help. The new thing that i learned, it's just as scary to put your feelings here as it would be to a roomful of people! I felt let down when i didn't get followers, i felt sure noone cared or read my story, I felt inadequate, I read other blogs and thought. OMG i'm not in thier league! So i stopped for a while. I felt like your always such a downer. Why do you even bother, Your worthless.

Then one day a few months after I stopped blogging I got a comment. It simply said. "How are you". I think i realized right then and there. I do matter. I get so used to the "fat girl" way of thinking. The lie that becomes our lives, of hidden binges, of eatting in our cars pulled to the corner of the parking lot, of saying to ourselves it doesn't matter because noones watching. Truth is, we never know who's watching.

I decided this journey has to be about me. My good, my bad and my ugly because if i can't be honest with myself, I can't achieve my goal. It no longer matters as much if i get comments, or see followers. It's in my heart to do this, at my pace and in my style. I believe that for this time, writing my journey down will be benificial and the Lord will lead those here who need to be here, just as he guides me where i need to be. When i write, i can never title it until im done because I just allow my thoughts to flow from my heart. When you hear me speak of pain often im writing with tears streaming down my face, When i speak of laughter, know there's a smile on my face. When the posts seem to be all over, It's because at that moment, My feelings are all over. When i write im pouring out emotion. If im missing a few days, It will normally be because i'm fighting the inner demon that tells me im worthless and im isolating.

I can't promise you great pictures, or witty, or funny or great tips, I can only promise you reality as i see it in all it's terrible and awesome glory. If your lucky some of it may be witty and have a great tip or 2 for you.

I'm sure if i keep at it in time it will evolve into something or other. What; i don't know. I do enjoy the comments though, they motivate me and encourage me and keep me going, It also encourages me thinking theres someone out there that doesn't have the heart to say these things, thats hurting, but needs this encouragement to know that although its not easy it can be done. It's not all sunshine and roses and thats ok. It's a cleansing process. It's a painful process, but much like the flowers in the spring. When the rain clears and the sun shines above we will stand proud and beautiful.

I also love reading other blogs as they help me grow and give me food for thought. I pray whoever is reading this gives some thought to why it is you do what you do.

What are your goals? Your hopes? What is it that you need? What are you looking for?

My goal and hope is to be a better me. To be confident in who i am, learn to love me at each stage and not be afraid of the scale anymore, To stop comparing myself to other women, thinking im not light enough, not slim enough, i don't have a booty like "delishush" from "flavor of love", That my hair isn't right, I even berate myself for bieng knock kneed and pigeon toed, like i had a say in that!! To be ok with me. To feel like im worthy of bieng loved, The list goes on forever and I have a long way to go.

This is probably a ride you probably wont wan't to miss!! I know i'd much rather be watching than on the ride!! I can tell you that much! Well it's bedtime for me. School tomorrow, Well in 5 hours actually sigh.

Trina~

What the hell is Binge eatting really?

2010-04-27T08:30:00.000-04:00

It's been a few days since i blogged, On friday i had this awesome blog about a conversation my therapist and i had about the Biggest Loser show.(that will be coming) I also had various other thoughts and things i wanted to blog about but as usual life jumped in and threw me a lot of fast balls at one time. I was so down that when i wasn't wearing my "in front of the world mask" I was somewhere huddling and crying my heart out. Wishing something horrible would happen to me. Wanting to die and not having the courage to off myself. I'd like to say i was strong and didn't eat over it, but i did. I'm confused on this whole binging thing. In my head binging is when someone eats and entire bag of cookies, a tub of ice cream.. Just basically consuming very large quantitys of food uncontrollably.

Sometimes i think im a binger and sometimes i think im a disfunctional eatter. When i get stressed, I can't eat, my throat closes up, but when i finally do eat, it's usually a non nutritious comfort food, or even if its good food, it's more than i should, or in the middle of the night or i'll eat and go right to sleep. Just unhealthy things in general, not keeping track of portions, not caring about what i put in my mouth and thats just bad. Like i ate a kit kat for the first time in over 2 years, I also ate like 2 cups of spinich dip and who knows how many handfuls of chips with it. Is that binging?? Once i ate an entire half a watermelon. Is that Binging? What the hell is a binge? More to the point. What the hell is wrong with me? Why is food so wrong? Why does it signal bad Trina if i eat some potatoe chips or a kit kat? Whats wrong with feeling bad and having a tub of ice cream ONCE in a while? It's so damn frustrating!!

and scary. Is this my forever life? Unhappy with the foods i get to eat? Afraid of gaining a pound? Lying awake at night and having a tear streak across your cheek and you realize it's because your hungry and it's to late for something? Stuffing your face with unhealthy amounts of good stuff trying to iggnore the craving you have for a slice of cake, or a candy bar, or a piece of pizza or mashed potatoes? We all know that doesn't help. The craving is there like the elephant on your chest. Im sorry to tell all you wonderful perfect and healthy eatters out there. Celery and/or fruit is NOT going to remove the craving. They don't taste like what your craving, Only that thing your craving tastes like what your craving! Then your Feeling like shit everytime you have the thoughts like this. Feeling like shit because you gave in and had those 2 (ok 3) subway cookies? or that candy bar you haven't had in 2 years and when you dont satisfy that craving, other memories of foods you've had enter into the picture, now your thinking about and wanting to taste them also. Your miserable!!

Is that really the life i want? All so that men can look at me with desire? Although all the desire in thier eyes signals is wanting to have sex with me and nothing else. Little do they know, the jokes on them, Once the miracle push up bra and girdle falls down,, so does everything they were holding up!! Does it really matter if the women i see snicker or think of me in disgust? I mean lets face it, Im not interested in them. Does it really matter that no one sits next to me on the bus? I mean really who wouldnt love a free seat to themselves?

Am i really just trading one misery for another? I mean there's the "fat" girl misery, of bieng socially unacceptable and bieng lonely inside, feeling invisible, eatting in secret. and theres the "skinny" girl misery. (my terms only) of bieng socially accepted but still miserable on the inside. Secretly starving myself, saying no to foods i really want to say yes to. Beating myself up over and over again. Usually also eatting in secret is involved.

Is this all there is? Why does it hurt so much? Why is it so important? Why in the hell do i keep asking why and shedding tears when none of it makes a difference? I will be, no matter how small the number on the scale goes, no matter how small the pants i buy may be, no matter how socially acceptable i may become. I'll always have issues with food. I'll always be that fat girl inside. I'll be a disfunctional eatter. Much like a person in a wheelchair knows, There are many things they can do to improve thier situation, improve thier outlook a little. Improve thier quality of life but as im ever fond of saying. When the lights go out, and you lie alone in the dark. the stark unforgiving reality is there. You can't fool yourself. You can iggnore, pretend, imagine, but every once in a while, your arm gets tired of holding up the curtain and as it falls at your feet. For that one moment. You know stark naked unforgiving truth. The question is.. What is your truth?

Trina~

Just another day...

2010-04-20T08:11:00.001-04:00

Well as you can see i did go ahead and weigh myself. I'm down it looks like 4 pounds but i'm still kind of unhappy to be honest. I guess it's because i know it could have been better without the binge. I remember that i had a piece of pound cake with that half a chicken and green at midnight that night. It's weird how your mind will try and protect you from things you dont want to remember.. is it not? hmmm..

This past couple days ive been in a fog, or depression, i honestly don't know whats wrong. I haven't exercised, as a matter of fact, I slept yesterday from 6 in the evening until this morning and im still exhausted and numb. I have a walking in a fog feeling. Perhaps sensory overload. If my trainer teaches step class this evening, i will go. If not, i'm just going to go home and get in the bed again.

Foodwise, I can't say I'm on track, I pretty much just consume lots of fruit as its the easiest thing to eat without much thought. For lunch I have 2 turkey sandwhiches, the rest is fruit. A giant tub of watermelon, a banana, applesauce, an orange and an apple. Not that i'll eat all the fruit (probably most of it) but I like a variety. Im at school right now in the computer lab. Not much to say yet. Brains in a super fog.

I did however go on the coolest tour ever yesterday. We went to Consol Energy, and they have a field lab!! Ok i would just LOVE, LOVE LOVE to work in a field lab!! I'd be just like the person you see on tv way up on a mountain with a 4 wheeler drawing a sample of gas from a pipe, or going down into a mine to get a sample, or out onto a lake in a rowboat, or ontop of a smoke stack!! (aint sure how that ones gonna work cuz im deathly afraid of hieghts) but doesnt it just SOUND exciting!! I really hope i get my externship there, or at Sunoco. Well gonna keep my prayers going and fingers crossed.

Well it's time for me to get going.. Until later be blessed and happy.

Trina~

Tears wash the soul.. Binging feeds the heart...

2010-04-18T09:37:00.000-04:00

I'm in a bad way today. This whole weekend for me from friday has just been i dunno, i can't say awful but ive just had this feeling of i dont know. You know how you walk around with a lump in your throat? Like you want to cry but your body is fighting it with a zombie like feel. All you can manage is a lump in your throat that wont go up or down. Too bad it doesn't block food. I'm going to try to start at the beginning but there will be things left unsaid. There's a part of things that im not ready to share. It's too long and involved to explain and i don't need the judgemental things and feelings that will distract from the real issues. Possibly in time. Now is not the time though.

Anyways, Today is a friends birthday out of town, so for some time i planned to come here for this weekend. This i think caused a LOT of stress in me because things have been really really horrible at home financially. I literally cant pay my basic bills. Most times i spend just afraid. Will today be the day the house of cards tumbles. My daughter is trying to go to her first prom and i haven't even brought the dress. I have to come up with money for her reenrollment in school. She's in a private school yes but that had to be because she would have failed out of school by the 10th grade. They literally saved her life. I'm blessed to have found them and in case your wondering, Shes there on a scholorship and my tuition is 30 dollars a month. and im behind on a 30 dollar a month tuition. I can't manage to pay 30 dollars a month to a school that saved my childs life. Im always afraid to go to her school. Im terrified of the tuition officer. New contract time causes panic attacks in me. The only other thing i pay is 175 reenrollment fee. I know i dont have to share this but as im writing, im realizing theres stuff thats eatting at me and needs to come out, So as i write with tears streaming down my face finally, just follow along or go away. This is about ME and letting go so i can go on.

I binged on Friday, we'll really this whole weekend. It started with a birthday party we had for our program coodinator. I made chicken wings as i always do. I got up at 4 am because i was leaving for my trip right after school. Anyways at lunchtime, i had packed my lunch for on the road and for lunchtime as i didnt want to stay in the caf. Well i ended up staying in the caf. It started out ok i guess, I ate 3 wing dings, sum augratin potaoes, some other type of potatoe dish and indian woman in my class made, 2 slices of cheese pizza, yeah you see it going wrong from here right? I then as near as i can remember ate 2 mini cupcakes (i hate icing so i only eat the cake part) I had a piece of cake, minus mousse in center and icing, i had ice cream, a few scoops of chicken salad with almonds, did i mention the 4 girl scout cookies, 2 or 3 chips with some kind of dip on it, I went back for second on chicken. i dont even remember what else. I just remember thinking Trina what the hell are you doing!! Your going to weigh yourself on Monday! but i guess the bigger part just didn't care, i told myself i wouldn't eat for the rest of the day, but during the 5 hour drive that evening i did. I ate 2 sandwhiches, a quart baggie of grapes, i had a banana or 2, i had a bag of sunchips. I was totally freaked. It was an out of control panicky feeling. here i was going out of town, which i couldn't afford, it only cost me gas and tolls though, It only takes me about a half tank to get where im going, but still, i was going to see a friend for their birthday and i had nothing. that hurt me a lot to as this friend does sooo much for me. Like this is thier birthday weekend and they spent another 300 dollars on my car trying to get the check engine light off (another story and its still on btw!) and today, on the birthday, they will probably spend trying to fix the ac in my car, it's pretty horrible eatting lunch alone in a car in 80 degree weather with no ac and leather seats. They also filled my tank back up for the trip home and fixing the ac is going to be another 50 or 60 dollars. Your saying why are you letting them do that. mostly its because this person is what i call a "forceful insistor" sigh, but it kills me. All i could afford to do was get a card, and i couldn't even put anything into it. Im so ashamed. Im ashamed im poor and people think they have to care for me, i ashamed i dont have anything to offer anyone.Im ashamed of me. So i eat. Eatting feeds my heart.

I binged again yesterday, I had homefries and toast and turkey sausage and eggs, i ate fruit, i ate a fried catfish sandwhich, french fires, i ate 2 small slices of pizza, 2 sandwhiches and a whole half of a bar b que chicken last night at midnight. it's laughable but even while binging i try and minimize the damage. I dug all the bread out of the roll, i took half the fish off the bun and when my friend asked was i going to eat that i lied and said no. truth was i was going to eat it. Maybe part of me was trying for damage control. Today i haven't eatten yet but the out of control feeling hasn't left. It's still there like a giant monster in my chest aching to be free. telling me you already suck so who cares. You may as well eat. All you are is a dreamer. Thats what it tells me.

Sigh. I still plan on getting on the scale tomorrow. Im sure it will spiral me down into more depression and disfunctional eatting but im scared and dont know what to do. My body and mind are tired and want and need a break, some comfort, Some form of forgetting if even for a moment. I can't turn to my family and i dont really have any friends i can just put all this on. Human nature of people who love you is to try to fix things but i hurt so badly i think because i want to fix myself and can't. I want to be self sufficient. I want to be the one that comes to the rescue. Im so DAMNED tired of bieng the poor fat girl that always needs saving, is always alone, is dreaming of a life that will never come. Im screaming right now. On the inside, Im just screaming and screaming and screaming and cant stop. I feel useless and hopeless and impotent. I feel ugly and unworthy and unwanted and unneeded. I feel numb.

I know all these feelings will pass soon, my mind will shut down and cover them with the necessity of moving foreward in life no matter what it gives you. But they will be there, again and again ready to come out. There is so much more i need to get out but its going to have to come at a later time. People are starting to awaken and i'm loathe to be discovered all red eyed, snotty and wet on the living room couch. i'm going to go and collect myself and pull out the appropriate mask for the day.

No time to proof it so i hope punc. n spelling aren't to horrible.

Till next time

Trina~

just another one of those days...

2010-04-15T23:32:00.000-04:00

I’m sitting here in the lab, for those of you who don’t know, I’m in school to become a chemical lab. Technician. It wasn’t my preferred profession, but I’m broke and it’s free AND a specialized degree program AND the credits are transferrable. So here I am. My experiment is finished, well sort of, anyhow I’m bored, and when I’m bored I ponder and reflect and turn introspective. For some reason, I’m tired today and down. It was one of those days where I watched all the black girls in the class hanging out and getting lunch together and felt sad. I always wonder why people don’t like me. I’m pretty sure I don’t stink. Hold on, imma actually ask the guy next to me. He said I smell like a wildebeest, and then he laughed and said no.

Sigh...i never seem to fit in anywhere. I dont appear to be "hood" enough for the blacks, I'm generally to intense and thoughtful for the other people, and according to my teacher, people tend to shy away from darker skinned blacks. There are a million and one theorys under the sun about why,, however, i could care less about the theory of why and am more interseted in the "how to rememedy it". I tell myself all the time I don’t care, but I guess I do because here I am whining to you guys about it. Yesterday we went on a tour of Sunoco, (you know the oil comp.) I am sooo praying to get my internship there, so anyways, I know that’s where I want my internship, so I dressed really nice, tried to be really attentive and ask questions. He gave a kind of presentation and told people to ask questions, well after a few times of him saying “any questions” and no one asking any, I jumped in and asked basic common sense questions. My theory was to make sure he knew that someone was paying attention. I kid you not it was as quiet as a ghost town. Anyways, at the end of the tour, I stayed behind and waited until an opportune time for me to go up, shake his hand, say thank you and comment he had given me a lot to think about.

When I left I overheard one of THEM,, my classmates, say you couldn’t get a word in edgewise. Then they started laughing etc: I spent all day yesterday telling myself I didn’t care. This is an opportunity for me. I didn’t think I was pushy and everyone else had the opportunity to speak up but didn’t. However obviously I do care because I had to spend all of yesterday telling myself that over and over and second guessing myself and questioning did I go overboard, did I annoy him with my questions, was I too much, was being the only one staying behind and shaking his hand too pushy. Sometimes being me sucks big time.

Ultimately, We still have to interview for the position when it comes available and who says I won’t like another company we tour, there are 13 of us and they have to place us all. I also Like Consol, We go there on Monday, that’s hi on my list too, but now I feel like I want to fade to the back. Hide. I feel disapproved of and we all know all I really want IS approval. I'm afraid this experience will taint other experiences. I’m really confused. However, that’s the story of my life. We’ll I have a million and one things to do and think about now, yeah,, my brain is a pit and your at the edge. Be careful!!

Well I’ll leave you all to your day, Enjoy it!! Never know what tomorrow will bring!

Fat Grease Monkey Mom 3/3 (Who am I Really?)

2010-04-13T21:03:00.001-04:00

Whew, it took days but i finally got out everything i wanted to say that 1 day!! So here goes.

This is the blog I intended to write that fateful morning I got up with car trouble. On Thursday I believe it was, my friend Dawn wrote on her blog and talked about putting on her “face” in front of people, and being unapologetically you. That got me to thinking, who am I? I mean follow me for a minute. Am I the outgoing girl that wears tight clothes, and is confident in all situations, or am I the shy girl who doesn't like to make eye contact and sits and eats lunches in her car alone? Am I the life of the party or the one against the wall? I ask myself that all the time. Sometimes I think, I’m that outgoing person and the fat has robbed me of that outgoing personality and made me afraid and an introvert; However sometimes I feel like I’m that shy introverted person that’s studious and actually does love to spend time by herself and i feel like somethings wrong with that, or maybe I just want a taste of being looked at in a good light for a change, with desire instead of ridicule or disgust, or just as bad, pity. I feel like ive been robbed, call the police! Alert the authority’s! My identity has been stolen.

How can I be unapologetically me when I don’t know who me is anymore? How can I take off the mask when I can’t tell which is the mask? It’s been so long, but even without the years, Usually obesity, well in my case anyways comes with some sort of disfunction at a young age, a cause if you will, a need for something. In my case my mom was standoffish and kind of abusive. Even to this day at 40 years old she has the power to reduce me to tears by the simple act of refusing a gift from me. So ive never known what it is to be Trina.. All ive ever known is to strive to be perfect. To make everyone love me because my mom didn’t. We all know that’s something that can never be achieved. When I couldn’t achieve that impossible goal, I became depressed. I hid. I don’t think it was the quantity of food that did me in, I think it was the quality, whoppers w cheese and fries etc:, and the inactivity. I don’t care what you eat. If you eat 1 whopper meal per day and sleep for 10 hours after. Your gonna gain weight! That’s another post though.

Where was i? O yeah, As I was saying, In my entire life, all I’ve ever wanted to do was the “right” thing. In my eyes, “right” meant, whatever seemed to be what society said, whatever would get me accepted. In middle school, I stole candy and risked beatings with extension cords daily. I hated the candy I stole, it was never for me, it was so the other kids would like me. I wet the bed until 16 yrs of age and had anxiety attacks in the third grade. I hung on the edges of the cool crowd all while growing up. Always a physical part but never a mental part. More at home lost in my world of books than in the presence of people who constantly let me down. Even my marraige, I chose him not so much because i was in love but because i knew he was responsible, would take care of any children we had. I'd never be someones, single baby momma trying to make it on her own. Even this weight loss journey. It’s about society and the way they look at you. Yeah we SAY we want to be healthy, that’s a factor too, but a major part of it, a bigger piece than most of us will ever admit is that we just want and need to be accepted.

The feeling we have when another woman (or man) that society tells us is gorgeous and healthy and slender walks in the room. The shame we have when we look at ourselves in the mirror. It doesn't matter what we tell ourselves in public, what we allow people to tell us, when were alone in the dark, with our tears, we know.. we know we want that more than anything in the world. To have someone look at US like were looking at them. Truth is, most of us never will. Those commercials for weight loss drugs annoy me, I mean ok you have a woman that lost 160 lbs. She's got a 6 pack! Like hell!! where the disclaimer she had surgery? Where the hell did the droopy skin go! I tell you, i literally KILL myself in the gym almost 5 days a week, and yes some of my skin has tightened, but theres no way 160 lbs of skin is snappin back like a rubber band. Everywhere!! Puh lease!!! I got wrinkly skin in places i didnt even KNOW could wrinkle!! Like between the top of my thighs!! ewwwww!! and my belly button and female reproductive organ are now on equal ground!! wth is that about!!! o lord, ive gotten side tracked and gone off on a rant again.. excuse me...

I think though I do need to work on not caring if I’m accepted or not. It’s a slow process, It’s happening but slowly. I discovered I LIKE eating in my car by myself most days, I need to be ok with that, and on days I don’t feel like it, I need to also be ok with getting out and mingling with people.(thats gonna be the hard part) I may not know exactly who I am yet but I do know, you have to be OK with the choices you make.

So I offer up a toast.. Here’s to finding out who I am,, and the journey to become, unapologetically me!!

Trina~

Fat Grease Monkey Mom 2/3 (Hiding in Plain sight)

2010-04-12T14:12:00.002-04:00

I swear this has been one adventure filled day!! God is so good, I prayed throughout that whole car deal and he placed the right people around me to help me get what needed to be done, done! Ok so my next hurdle, I volunteered at a graduation ceremony for my school. I really just wanted a chance to see what it will be like when I graduate, but they gave me parking detail!! Ok so I’m kind of uncomfortable around people I don't know. Shy insecure, etc: To top it off they gave us t-shirts, I asked for a 3x, she gave me a 2x. So there was anxiety about would it fit me? Would I look ridiculous? I figured ok, maybe it won’t look too awful. Until she informed us, no jeans!! Ok, so I’m going to be a fat parking attendant, in a too small t-shirt, with dress pants!! Can you say kill me now!! Sigh, but I have this annoying habit of wanting to keep my word no matter what... But I mean really. I am a 250 pound, severely knock kneed African American woman. (That has nothin to do with anything lol but it paints a picture). I felt so self conscious; I tried to get posted in an inconspicuous, shady spot, where no one would see me. How about I got placed on the busiest corner, of the busiest street, in my city!!! To direct traffic!! Is this NOT an overweight woman’s worse nightmare!! Needless to say, I got through it. It wasn't easy; I tried to hide behind a bush... It didn’t work; the bush was smaller than me!! I tried easing down the block, that didn’t work either, people kept trying to let me cross the street, except I wasn't crossing lol.

That was the worst 2 hours of my life. Afterwards, I went in and watched the ceremony and there, I finally had a glimpse of the person I may be. I'll explain, I went to the bathroom in this gorgeous synagogue? It too was beautiful, anyways I was in there alone, washing my hands and in the mirror in front of me I saw a mirror behind me. It was the kind you see movie stars sitting in front of in the movies, it had those big round bright globe lights and it came to almost the floor. I turned around and saw myself. I took a good look and thought, wow, you are getting skinny, ok my outfit still felt ridiculous but I saw a slimmer me for a change. I saw that the shirt did fit, it came over my hips, and I saw me sagging in the back of the pants. (Which lemme tell u for a black chick is NOT a good thing. I so wanted to lose weight everywhere but have a butt the size of a table).. I saw for even a moment, what other people say they see but my mind tells me isn’t possible, what the scale tells me is a lie. I took off the stupid t-shirt, (I had a shirt that was a little more form fitting on under it) and I felt ok, I must say, when I left that bathroom, my head was just a tad higher. I no longer looked only at the floor when I walked... this time I saw some knee caps!! Soon I’ll be seeing faces and making eye contact!!

After that, I went home and changed my clothes because my sister in law was having a cook out. I was kind of nervous because I usually don’t go around his side of the family much. I haven’t had good experiences. They are the type to say things like “I know she ain’t missing any meals” when talking about food etc: or wow you got huge. Yeah they’re that type. Sigh, needless to say, I was nervous. I put on the tightest jeans I could find, along with a kind of low cut shirt and lord of lords, I pulled out the dreaded spanx!! I put on my high heel wedges. All of 2 inches lol cuz that’s as high as I can stand without falling over, and made my grand entrance, I figured, if they were gonna talk anyways, imma give em something to talk about! Sure enough, mouths dropped open and all eyes were on me. Surprisingly most were very nice and gracious. They told me how good I looked, and his little cousin kept telling me how proud she was of me. I think she made me feel the best. Sometimes I would catch her eye and she would just be staring at me smiling, so I finally said why do you keep looking at me like that and she said you are so pretty, look at you. It wasn’t even the words that made me feel good; it was that I could see in her eyes, that she was just genuinely happy and proud of me. That felt so good. The feeling is indescribable. We’ll I better end this one as its getting long too. On to the next post!

Fat Grease Monkey Mom.. 1/3

2010-04-11T09:07:00.000-04:00

Im going to write 2 posts today. The last couple days a question has been on my mind that has come to me from my friend Dawn's blog. Who am i?.. That question i will attempt to work out in my next post. This one is about my crazy day yesterday!

Ok so i got up yesterday morning with the intention of walking only to discover my car was COMPLETELY dead!! Im freaking out because 1, im majorly broke and 2. My car is my lifeline, you guys have no idea for how many years my friends heard me whine and cry, how many hours i spent praying, how much angst it caused me not having my own vehicle! Yes im married but in my case it's kind of like bieng a single parent with a roomate.. but im not even gonna go there. Ok so ive only had this car about a month, Half of which it was in the shop and i got hosed big time to the tune of 600 dollars, which put me far enough behind on my bills that yesterday morning i opened my door to an official from the electric company telling me he was there to turn my electric off!! I promptly gave him a check for 211.00 which completely emptied my bank account and leaves me wondering how im going to survive till Tuesday after this one when the next small pitance will come.. However, not goin into that either seeing as how tears are not really part of my plan for today.. so where was i?? O yeah..

Car dead.. We have a minivan and my husband was awake, so i told him what was going on and asked him to come out and give me a jump (as im secretly afraid of jumper cables, I have visions of me touching them to the engine and flying backwards through the air with my hair standing up on my head and black soot around my eyes, a stunned look on my face and hands fused to the cables). He was awake when i went out so i thought this was ok. Well i got these big rediculous sighs and you could tell i was "interrupting his much needed lay on his ass time. So i did what we all do, i said nevermind i'll figure it out for myself. I got in my car and drifted it backwards, ran and got van and put it in front of my car and out he comes in time to hook up the cables.

Ok so car started. YAY!! right? ok so i ran car, drove car round the block a couple times, called friend in philly to tell him what happened to me, and he promptly went into "help mode". he told me to park it by the house wait 5 mins and start it again. I did and guess what.. dead as a doornail! AGAIN!! Ok so i pulled myself together enough to not cry, i didnt want to ask my husband to help again so i decided i was going to do this all by myself. I got the van, and my friend walked me though it. I jumped my car, got it sarted again, backed it into a safe spot i could leave it for an extended period of time if need be, then i turned it off, then on again. DEAD!! omg!! ok so im thinking its the battery, my friend offered to locate a bank and put money in for me to get a battery if i needed it, but first i had to get the battery out. Ok so i go in the house for tools, my husbands there, he says,, whatcha doin? I said i think its my battery im going to take it out and go to autozone to have it tested. he didnt say a word!! I got the tools, went outside discovered i forgot my keys, went back to the house to get them, he's in the window, watching me.. hmm ok; (at this point i know your thinking what im thinking, is he going to offer to help?) so i get my keys, go back out, it took me about half an hour but i did it!! i got the battery out!! man was it heavy!! So i go back in the house to check my account and see if i even have enough to buy a cheap battery if thats what i need. This &*%@$!! walks into the living room, in MY pink slippers,, holding a freshly made bowl of cereal, and says. you need any help!!?? ARE YOU KIDDING ME!! (deep breath) I said, If you really wanted to help me, you could have come out.. etc etc.. im not even going there. We ALL see it for what it is right?

Where was I?? o ok, so i go to autozone, my friend calls me back while there, and between him and the 3 guys and a gal there, they decided, (my battery was fine) my next step should be cleaning any and all corrosion off the battery and the connectors. So they arm me with a bottle of coca cola, a bottle of water and some shop towels. I was afraid it wouldnt work but i did it, it took me an hour, but i scrubbed and whiped and rinsed, i struggled to set the battery back in the car, i turned the key.. and it STARTED!! omg!! i did the happy dance, i was sooooo proud of myself!! I did it!! ME!!! i fixed my car!! it may seem like nothing to some, but boy it felt good. I reassembled everything, which is harder than it seems cuz i kept dropping the stupid screws. I was dirty, but i did it!! I officially give myself the grease monkey mom patch!! O yeah right when i got everything done, HE (the husband) calls me to "check" on me!! I say again!! are you kidding me!!! Man all this happened before 10 a.m. lol and my day has just begun!! I have so much more to talk about but this post is getting long.. This is going to be a 3 post day lol..
you know.. it just occured to me, i was in a parking lot,, people kept looking at me but noone asked if i needed help, or if i was ok,, or anything.. Or maybe they were just stunned to see all this giant flat butt sticking out of the front end of my car LOL.. boy i wonder what i looked like!!

Trina~

Just one of those mornings...

2010-04-09T09:12:00.000-04:00

Today I woke up feeling weird. I slept pretty much all day yesterday, so it was a no exercise day. I hurt so badly I could barely stretch my arms out straight. My night was full of strange dreams. I dreamed about when Dawn, Melanie and I first met. Years ago, we were all 3 well over 300lbs I think and couldn’t walk very far at all. For some reason I remember that day most vividly like it was yesterday. We took a picture in front of a construction site. I dreamed about sitting in my car eating alone. That still happens but the difference is before I was eating in hiding, afraid to let people see me eat because they would think what a pig. I dreamed about what my life would be like if I was at goal weight. Would things be different for me? In my dreams they would be. Men would look at me with desire (which ironically would piss me off because I don’t want to be wanted for only my body) Lord I’m fat and Crazy!! Lol It’s funny because the reason for killing myself seems to be because they “say” I’d be more socially accepted, healthier etc:. That may be so, but somehow losing all this weight and then becoming accepted makes being fat all the worse.

Let me explain. It’s like this. When you’re fat, you know people look at you differently, even though they say they don’t. They tell you have a pretty face or all these other things and you know theyre just trying to be nice but a teeny tiny part of you wants to believe it. So you latch onto it. Without realizing it, you nurture it you latch onto both the hope and the insecurity. You try to tell yourself you’re beautiful as you are and you kind of believe it but not really. You pretend not to but secretly you really do. Then you lose the weight, and you see the difference, you hear those same people that said you were beautiful say things like, wow you look great (but didn’t they say that 200lbs ago?) or all of a sudden the same men who told you were cute before are now always trying to touch and hug you or do things for you they never did before. Or people are saying things to you like I remember when you were “this big” and holding their hands as far apart as they can get, which all of a sudden slams home like never before. The awfulness of the size you were. It makes everything they ever told you feel like a lie. It creates a secret obsession to lose the weight at any cost. It brings the feeling of being as my friend Dawn said;”less than”. I feel less than, I feel frightened, to eat, to gain, to not be accepted, to be friendless, to be all the things I was, but was because I was fat. When the fat is stripped away, and all the "less thans" are laid bare, all the insecurities and ideas and notions of it being this way because I was fat are stripped away.

I can’t help but think of all these things as I sit here in my car, with my tummy actually rumbling out loud because all I’ve had for breakfast was a 130 cal. Protein shake. I hear the screams in your minds. GO EAT SOMETHING!! But I have a louder scream and it’s accompanied by a thousand pair of eyes I’ve seen over the years. The look of disgust and laughter carried in them. The remembrance of not being able to fit in a roller coaster seat when my children say mommy ride with me ,the feeling you get when you discover your kids have been in a fight because someone at school made a bad remark about how fat you are and child feels like they have to defend you, the feeling of being on a full bus where people would rather stand and risk falling than try to fit beside you, the feeling of going into a store and the salesperson running up to you and saying, we don’t carry your size. The feeling of being on an airplane and hearing a passenger exclaim loudly, I’m not sitting by her, there’s no room. Let it go some say. Unfortunately some scars take a lifetime to heal, and for me 2 years isn’t nearly enough time to pretend everything’s ok, that those things never happened. In time and with therapy they may fade, I will begin to adjust; however I doubt I will ever forget.

Until next time... hopefully happier and less philosophical.

Trina~

just another day in the life of a fat girl..

2010-04-08T09:30:00.000-04:00

Today I woke up discouraged. I’m not really sure why I guess it’s just one of those things. Yesterday we had a tour of a lab. It was a really nice lab but I’ve discovered over the course of this that I really don’t like chemistry. I love numbers and math but I really don’t want to sit in a lab with those goggles giving me headaches. I’m a year into this and I need to be self sufficient so what am I to do? Sigh. That’s not why I’m discouraged though, at least I don’t think.

Maybe its because yesterday i was really tired and didn’t want to go to the gym. I think sometimes I punish myself with the gym. This weight issue is so paralyzing to me. I ate 2 small bowls of cereal and I wanted so bad to go to sleep I ached and was really just dead tired. but I couldn’t. I was so afraid of gaining weight that I forced myself to get up and go to the gym. I told myself, I’ll just walk on the treadmill for a little while, a half a work out is better than none right. Well typical me, that wasn’t enough. I feel like I’m there so I may as well do all I can. I pushed myself, probably too far as usual. It’s just so hard. I have a torn rotator cuff that requires surgery and yet I still do the workouts. I’m afraid to get on the scale, the fear of doing all that working out to no avail is paralyzing. I wonder will the obsession with weight ever end. Despite my progress I feel I’ve made none. Maybe one day things will be better. I don’t think that’s why I’m discouraged this morning either though.

Perhaps it’s because noticed we have 600 dollars worth of bills due this week,, only 500 dollars and no check for 2 weeks. Plus gas and other essentials needed. Sigh. There are so many reasons to be discouraged; I don’t think my discouragement is the result of just one but the result of many things. A sense of being physically tired and mentally overwhelmed, Can you imagine being scared everyday for hours a day? Just stop a moment and think of that prospect. I think at some point your body and mind just need to take a break from it and shuts down. It creates a false calm feeling, a feeling of detachment or perhaps just a wearying discouragement. I suspect it won’t last but for what it’s worth. It’s here.

Fat and my Faith...

2010-04-07T06:47:00.000-04:00

Good Morning everyone,
I meant to write yesterday but i was so dog tired all i could do was shower and get into bed. Yesterday was an interesting day. Someone got kicked out of our class for poor grades, which was sad. We began 20 of us on this journey and now there are only 13. Yeah i know, why should i really care seeing as how none of them like me and im not crazy about them. Well that doesnt mean im heartless. mostly i want everyone to suceed, even jim whom i really can't stand. It's sad to see people who have struggled and come so far but fall short. Its kind of like watching life. My life to be specific. Im scared, after 12 yrs of staying at home in a medicinal coma, I am now trying to lose weight, Find a career, leave my husband (another story for another day), finish a degree chemistry program when ive never had chemistry before in my life, and be happy. and thats just whats on todays agenda!! seriously though. Sometimes it hits me like a ton of bricks while im sitting in my car, or just sitting on the couch or alone reading and its like, Trina!! what are you doing!! Your 40!! how are you just trying to start a life thats half over.

Sigh. It becomes paralysing for the moment and the only way to get past it is to pray and not think about it. God has become a very important part of my life. He has brought me so far on this journey and i have so far to go. Some people don't believe and thats ok because i do. I know that without him i wouldnt have been able to lose over 100 pounds in 1 year without surgery. Without him i wouldnt have had the willpower to change my eatting habits, Without him i wouldnt have been able to just happen upon a "free" school that will give me a degree!! He has a purpose and a goal for me, and when i sit in the car and cry, or go to the top of the mountain to talk to him and give him my worries. He comes through for me.

Some of you may not understand that, and thats ok, you also don't understand where ive been and where im going. So until your able to walk in my shoes and look at the world through my lonely eyes. Don't judge. Just follow along as best you can. See some may say, you just got tired of your life the way it was, and thats true. However all i did was hide and cry and eat more. I didnt see the way a 385 lb woman was going to exercise, or how i was going to go to school with a student loan owed. Im so poor, i only owe 4000 dolars and can't pay it now the 50 dollars a month they want. All the doctors tell me statistically i would never succeed, and if i did get some of it off, i would never keep it off, that my diabetes wasnt going anywhere in my case even if i lost weight, I was on 1000 miligrams of seroquel for depression, most people couldn't understand how i was even able to get up let alone function. I prayed, i cried and i finally "gave it up to God" when i was so low i just wanted my life to end.

Now, i'm 140lbs lighter, im no longer diabetic, im in school, and im off of ALL medication. So why in the hell are you complaining if your God is so good, some may ask. I reply to that, im only human, i still struggle, i still hurt, i need. Much like a baby who looks to thier parent. Why do they cry? all thier needs are taken care of and they are protected. Life transcends all forms of protection though, and by bieng broken, i am learning to lean on him more which i believe is the ultimate objective. My final word for those who dont believe is this. What harm is there in believeing in a God? If i die and im wrong what have i lost? I became productive, i tried to be helpful and live a good life, so where is the loss in that? and if i die unbelieveing and am wrong, i spend an eternity away from him. Alone in a void, never bieng allowed to feel his love. See theres nothing wrong with believing, You lose so much more by not believing. I think im going to get down off my soapbox now.

well im not sure where all this came from as usual but it poured out and there it is. Im now running late for school and better get a move on. I feel so much better already. Have a happy and productive day everyone

Trina~

Im Alive!!! a lil more crazy... but i'm back.

2010-04-05T19:39:00.000-04:00

I’m back. Well at least i'm going to try to be. I’m not sure now why I stopped blogging. I guess I figured I didn’t have much to say or what I had to say wouldn’t be of much use to anyone. I think now I had it all wrong. Maybe this blog thing is just supposed to be about me and not worry about if there’s something in it for anyone or not. People are always telling me, you have such an amazing story, you should tell it. But where and how does one begin. I think life happens in pieces so maybe stories should too.

I won’t go into what’s been happening I’ll just start here and now with what’s on my heart. Its lunch time at school and I’m yet again sitting alone in my car on the verge of tears. I hate my class, I hate my classmates, and they hate me. Life is just crap! Ok hate is a strong word. We dislike each other. I don’t fit in. Big whoop, how many of us fatty’s ever really do fit in. I’ve lost weight but I am still and will forever be fat. I’m learning fat is a state of mind as well as a physical thing. You may find it hard to believe but it’s much easier to shed the fat shell than it is to shed the fatitude.

This weekend I went to see my mom in D.C. and while there I went MD to see one of my best friends Dawn. (Some of you may know her, shes also a blogger) anyways, we went to the beach near her house and we spent a lot of time talking. We both were well over 350 lbs, we’ve both lost weight. I see her as a success story, shes always winning awards and getting crowns and getting to see like doctor oz and all these great things. She is so awesome, She looks awesome!I on the other hand, am a failure. I’m so immensely proud of her though and I love her to death, she deserves all those things because she’s so caring. I wish I lived closer so some of whatever she’s got would rub off on me! I got on the scale at her house and I weighed in at 250 lbs. That’s awful because I had gotten down to 234 pounds by august of last year and now I’ve gained, yet again. I think I’ve put myself on food punishment. I’ve stopped eating. I haven’t told anyone because I’m ashamed but it’s like I can’t stop myself. Food is at the same time a savior and a punisher. I know I need to eat to lose, but my fat mind says,, eating is how you get fat,, this same fat mind will say, have a healthy sub at subway, while the other side will say grab a couple cookies with that and you’ll feel so much better. It’s like a tug of war, a fight to the end, all within your brain that no one can see. 1 cookie won’t hurt will it, but you have to buy 3 to get the deal, o I’ll just eat one and save the other 2. You eat all 3. Then weigh yourself and the 4 pounds you see are all because of those 3 cookies I hate myself. I’m a failure. I’ll never be slim or pretty, men will never look at me,, I’m destined to sit alone, a lifetime left of lonely lunches in my car which go largely uneaten because I’m so stressed my throat has closed which is a good thing because I’m punishing myself by not eating. Crazy isn’t it. I wonder why I think if I was just a normal weight things would be great and I’d be accepted. The logical part of my brain knows this probably isn’t true, but the stronger part just doesn’t care and wants to try anyways. Maybe because the alternative is accepting the fact you’re a social reject. Which is a hard pill for anyone to swallow I think.

Yesterday breakfast- nothing

Yesterdays lunch- subway turkey breast hoagie on wheat w/bread pulled out the inside, sun chips

Yesterdays dinner- nothing

Todays breakfast- 2 pieces toast, 130 cal protein drink

Todays lunch-2 oz turkey breast on lite bread, handful grapes, cup apple sauce

Todays after workout snack- 1 cup apple sauce, grapes, 1/2 sandwhich on light bread, a BUNCH of animal crackers.. sigh

dinner- 2 plain turkey burgers w/ no bread, just the patties and ketchup.

Revelations are never easy....

2009-10-13T08:17:00.000-04:00

Hey everyone,
Man it's so hard to keep up! Ive been really really busy lately!! Going to school full time, going to the gym full time and raising a family is HARD!! Ive been thinking about this whole post a picture a thing and ive decided im going to do it. I still need to get a "now" pic.. and a s soon as i do that, up they go.. This revelation came to me this morning as i went to pee. I know TMI..

Yesterday was my daughters 17th birthday and i was unable to get her anything.. This sent on a mini binge, that included 2 cupcakes and bout of crying, My 12 yr old caught me and so trying to hide it, I went to my basement to hideout and cry. Well thats where i hide my scale from myself. I figured this day can't get any worse and even though i just ate, and its the end of the day,, why not. Well it said 239.8... I didn't believe it for a moment and got on 3 more times.. but there that number stayed. Still not sure i believed it and now that its morning, i don't have the courage to go and look again.. I told myself Monday...

However that whole experience brought me to a revelation this morning as i peed.. i know again with the TMI.. It occured to me that i did my first biggest loser challenge at the YMCA in the beginning of January 2009.. I weighed in at 334 pounds.. This is my second challenge,, I weighed in at 253 on September 3rd 2009... If im in the 230's,, i am almost 100 pounds gone in 10 months.. It doesn't feel or seem like it can be true but numbers don't lie.. Why does it feel like im going nowhere? Why do i still look in the mirror and see a sea of fat?? Man i got issues!! Im scared though,, looking at that number on the scale scared me inside because my head tells me,, thats not true,, its a dream..your going to wake up and soon!! But i keep going foreward because backs just not an option..

I had cereal,eggs,toast and fruit for breakfast.. i try to balance every meal this way.. I haven't figured in the whole vegtable thing yet,, but im working on it.. I also did what i call "batch" cooking.. I made 2 whole packages of chicken breast,, grilled them,, I made Turkey burgers and because i HATE vegtables i got the bright idea to put broccoli in them.. They were ok,, It made them a lot denser than usual. If you make homemade burgers the oldfashioned way, with breadcrumbs or something to "bind" them as my grandma used to say.. don't because the broccoli seems to take the place of that,, I also made spaghetti and chili (turkey of course) .. Then i packaged everything into single or double servings and threw them in the freezer!! (spaghetti noodles can be frozen.. cook to taste,, cool,, toss lightly in olive oil,, portion and freeze) I use wheat.. yum!!

well thats it for me right now.. Time to discover how bad i bombed on my test..

Trina~

Fun day and Pictures?? Should I??

2009-10-06T22:36:00.000-04:00

Hey there, Today is a much better day than yesterday. It started a lil rocky i admit,, i wasnt hungry and had to force myself to eat, finally i had a bowl of multigrain cheerios. yay!! and my 32 oz of water first thing in the morning.. I got to school and hit the library and got some awesome diabetic cookbooks.. I figured on staying to myself and brooding for the day but that was not to be..

My instructor cassie is one of those little perky people who are like rays of sunshine ALLLLLL the darn time!! Even at 7 in the morning ugh!! anyways she decided we would do "ice breakers" in class today.. Those are "get to know everyone" type of games. Now my class ages range from about 21 to i'll say 50ish (im not sure how old she really is but im sure its around there.. anywho, were all adults.. )

Now the first one was a game where we had to close our eyes,, then cassie went around and whispered numbers in everyones ear.. (there were 17 of us) then we had to line ourselves up in order, 1 to 17.. with our eyes CLOSED and NO talking.. picture it,, a roomful of grown ass people wandering around a room with eyes closed trying to line themselves up in order.. i almost peed myself it was so funny!! A guy named barry was walking around with his hands at chest level, making open n closing motions.. we know this cuz the instructor goes.. ok no sexual harrassing,, barry im telling ur wife.. then there was this one really clumsy 6 foot woman who kept stepping on peoples feet,, hitting the chalk board and somehow ended up in the hallway lmaooo..did i mention the door was closed?? meanwhile about 7 people went past me and lined up but im number 3!!! then lee whos about 4 foot 2 was practically getting an indecent pat down from the over 50 yr old woman who couldnt tell if she was a person or not.. mann i still get tears just thinking about it.. That was the most fun ive had in such a long time...

second ice breaker was without talking,, we had to line ourselves up according to birthday, that was pretty funny to.. u would think grown chem majors would be able to make understandable number signs with thier fingers.. NOT!! lol that was kinda funny too.. again people kept trying to get behind me but i KNEW i had my position aced.. see my b day is new yrs eve lol.. the last day of the darn yr!! That was kinda fun also..

3rd one was just ok,, it was more a riddle,, we had to pass scissors and guess the rules.. complicated more so but interesting..

Day was shapin up ok, i wasnt even too bummed after we had the test.. I decided to face the gym so i went.. I talked to Tish (instructor) and even though im still bummed,, and my heart and mindset isnt the same as it was,, i'll continue to work out and just pray i begin to feel better.. I found a picture of me taken last yr at my heaviest.. 385.. in about apr i think.. and one taken on my b-day, dec 31 st,, about 5 days before i started working out in earnest i was 334,, i joined a biggest loser contest.. and 1 from in march at 303... where i won the biggest loser contest for losing 30 pounds in 2 months.. Still don't know how that happened.. maybe my workout journal will explain it.. my trainer works me!! I will get around to blogging it hopefully this weekend...

As for the pictures.. Im not sure about posting them,,besides is anyone REALLY interested in seeing the fat me?? lol hmmm i think i'll create a poll and see just that and decide from there..

well until later guys..

Trina~

I need a hug...

2009-10-05T21:09:00.000-04:00

I chose blue because today was a bad day for me. Lately believe it or not i had been in good spirits, For the last month ive been excited about the first day of school and beginning power lifting training.. Well not like a "real" body builder but close enough. Anyways, both started today,

Before the end of class i got pulled aside by the director, Im going to school to become a chemical lab technician.. She found out last week during orientation that im allergic to acetone.. (nail polish remover). I did'nt put it on my app because i forgot, im not exactly a nail polish kinda girl and i get my toes done at the shop mostly or use gloves and never have a problem.. Well apparently it could be a big problem.. I really don't understand why though, i mean yes, it wouldn't be good if there was an accident, but the only place i have the reaction is on my face, when touched,, now im sure it wouldnt be a good idea if ANYONE got splashed in the face with acetone right? and what about acid and other dangerous things,, anyways, (yes i say that a LOT get used to it) I spent an agonizing 40 minutes waiting for this talk, butterflies in my stomach and everything, so stressed im ready to puke, i mean ive invested months of pre classes and stress just to get in to be thrown out on my first official day!!! Could life really be that cruel??

It wasn't, well not really, She said they'll keep an eye on me and to let them know if it happens again.. Im still on pins and needles though because now i feel as if im under a spot light and our first 2 weeks are probationary anyways. I'd be lying if i didnt say i wasnt still very worried and scared, but its to late now to take it back sigh...

The gym: well today was spinning and circuit training, i got to the gym and had forgotten it was training for the powerlifting, i was kinda late but they were sprinting around the track to get thier heart rate up,, which i can't do, My trainer wouldn't really meet my eye when i asked her what i should do, big warning huh, Its weird because the whole weightlifting thing was her suggestion and idea in the first place, she said she was going to think about it and probably have to modify some stuff for me.. Finally she pretty much said she couldn't train me, I couldn't do it.. Did you hear that sound?? It was my heart breaking and falling on the floor. I did my DAMNDEST to hold in the tears.. I sat and watched them train all the while holding it in..

See I guess i did the wrong thing, for some reason i put my heart and soul into this idea, not winning, but it just represented SO damn much to me.. It would be something different that would get me off this 3-4 month plateau/wall. It said to me that nothing could hold me back,, ive trained through pins in my foot, 2 weeks after a knee surgery, Ive never let it stop me because i feel like when/if i stop, i'll be the beginning of the end.. Im driven,, the pain of bieng 385 still fresh in my mind and hot on my heels, the nights spent crying and feeling less than a person,, the food issues,, all of it!! Participating in this became my, if i can do this, i can do anything.. sign.. I'm so burned out from working out im looking for something new to keep me going, keep me motivated,,keep me moving,, im so tired with every fiber of my bieng,, its hard.. but i push!!! Bottom line... I NEEDED this.. I didn't even do spinning,, i came home,, binged for the first time since january, sat down and cried and am still crying this very moment.. I want to give up..I think i have given up, The winds gone out of my sails,, the rides over.. . I don't ever want to go back to the gym... I feel like noone understands,, they all say,, its not that serious,, and things like that.. They don't understand..

I'll probably go to the gym again,, but my heart wont be in it,, I wont work as hard,, I mean whats the point,, Theres no goal nothing to look foreward to..

well ive talked much to much and i can't breathe cuz my honkers stuffed up now so im going to go..

Hopefully back in action....

2009-10-03T12:53:00.000-04:00

Im sorry if there are any who were reading my blog for not getting back sooner. I got really busy and really stressed and i needed to blog but i didn't. I think what happens is that self sabatoging self we have tends to allow us to isolate ourselves. I thought to myself, noone cares what you have to say so why bother, why come and tell the world your problems, your wishes your heartaches, your desires, your triumphs and failures. what is the point, and then i realized, There isn't one!! lol and thats ok... If it's something you like doing just do it.

Ive missed out on so much, one of my favorite blogs went private and i wasn't around to ask for an invite. Lisa from LessofLisa if your reading this, i enjoy your blog and you really inspire me, i'd like an invite but if not, i wish you and your family well, and blessings,, and would like to say don't allow the negativity of others destroy your joy and peace sweety.

These past few weeks have been hard for me, ive been stressing over weight, and money, and needing a car, (i live in pennsylvania and winters on the bus is gonna SUCK big time), so many things, that on my sons birthday i ended up having a full blown panic attack, i couldn't afford to get him anything, I started throwing up and shaking and hyperventilating. i still feel so awful i can't talk about it.

My weight, sigh..im so tired of bieng fat. Its like a shroud that will never be lifted, i stand in front of vending machines and just look and my heartaches, when i grocery shop i stand in front of freezers and practically cry @ just the thought of can i have 1 tablespoon of that ice cream and i have to walk away because my mind says one tablespoon=10 pounds and 3 extra weeks in the gym to lose what i gained..yet again.. (is my math skewed?) Its so discouraging!! how do people stand it, i know that food shouldn't be a focus or an obsession but should it really be called that? I mean none of us normally gives a WHOLE lot of thought to what we put in our mouth until were told what we CAN'T put in it lol. Im so tired of people saying, it's gonna come off and don't worry, and all that stuff... Its sooo easy for people to say when their NOT lumbering around with 3000 pounds of pressure on thier torn up knees with barely any cartledge, the looks of disgust from men/women made worse if your lonely or looking for love, ok geez i'm getting tired of watching myself complain...

Lifes not all bad, i found some before and now pictures and i do see that ive come a long way from 385. Im not wearing a size 36 womens anymore, or even a 5x.. The jeans i have on now, although tight lol are a 18, i can fit 2x shirts and i no longer have to shop exclusively online. A teenager from my church came up to me at the gym a few days ago and pulled me to the side, she said she had been struggling with her weight for so long that she was ready to give up, but she's been watching me do it and make changes and it encourages her to keep going, she knows if i can do it, she can too. She was teary and everything, i was really stunned and appreciative and i must admit it felt strange, here i am feeling like a huge failure, how did i become someones inspiration?? Its making me think, im not sure what im coming to, but the wheels are turning and some nights when i wake up i smell smokey so im sure somethins goin on upstairs...(in my head). lol

I still go to the gym, circuit training and a spinning class on modays, upper body on tuesday, cardio on wensday, lower on thursday.. Im in a weight loss challenge again.. Dont think i'll win this time, im still terrified to even look at the scale on a regular basis. Im going to count my weight on Oct. 27th which is when the contest officially ends. I weighed in at the beginning, 253.. lord would it be lovely if i ended at 223 lol.. i know its not gonna happen but.. man o man... I start training actually for the strongest man/woman contest this coming week also.. Im scared but excited, its a more intense training. Im not to hopeful i can do it or have much success, only because ive had surgery on both my knees and this contest is about lifting your heaviest weight in 4 catergories, dead lift, (which is bending knees), squat, incline bench chest press and chest press i think.. The 2 uppers i may be ok but usually the cardio portion of training is sprints and things like that to get your heart rate up fast for the adreniline(sp) to help lift your heaviest. Can you see 250 pound me sprinting on bad knees?? lol i dont care though, shes gonna try modifying and im gonna give it my all, if i can't,, then i can't but at least i will have tried and maybe the intensity of trying something new is what i need to get off this plateau...

well, School officially starts on Monday, grrrr... so i better get to note taking and cooking up a storm so i can carry my lunch.. I could only find Dora the explorer sandwhich holders. wont that be lovely in a college cafeteria lol..

until later..be blessed..

can you binge on watermelon??

2009-09-15T20:33:00.000-04:00

Good morning all, been a couple days since i posted, Ive been very busy, but i know all 5000 people who read this surely missed me. (joking) Anyways, it was a hard weekend foodwise, Firstly my church requested i make baked mac and cheese for our international dinner. It was missions week this week and at the end we always have this. Well the last time i made my 8 cheese baked mac and cheese was about that long ago. I decided i would just make it and drop it off, this avoiding all the food. That didn't work out, they needed me to serve at the soul food table. I tried, i really really tried!

The good: I ate a crapload of watermelon...

The bad: i also ate other stuff.....

The Ugly: I ate fried chicken, greens, baked mac and cheese, i visited the greek table and had various greek stuff i cant name,, I visited the dessert table and had a brownie AND pound cake, did i mention before i went i even ate a heaping bowl of turkey chili so i wouldn't eat anything there?? ugh!!

after that i went hope and swore i would walk for 2 miles at the least. umm in my dreams.. i promptly took my fat arse to sleep.. ahhh well...

the next fews days will be better im sure,, a good session with my therapist helped a little.. i think..

the next day i cut up and ate an entire watermelon. It just kept calling me, i was eatting it while i slept,, i would go pee then stand in front of the fridge half sleep eatting watermelon chunks,, which made me have to pee within a half hour again,, which meant i was back at the fridge.. can binging on watermelon truly be called a binge?? who binges on healthy stuff?? im a disgrace to bingers everywhere...

ok i took sum benadryl for allergies and im sleepy now and suspect im rambling in a not good way.. until i can speak coherently.. (did i really just try that word?) i will go to sleep...

ever yours...

Weight loss tips that help me along the way

2009-09-11T07:10:00.000-04:00

Hey everyone, Last night as i was browsing blogs on my list while i had a few moments. I stopped by "less of Lisa's" page (check my bloglist on right) It really inspires me because i identify with her and her struggles. I don't necessarily binge, I just ate awful in general and was a closet eatter But i do understand a lot of her pain and frustration over the weight,Frustration with trying things that don't work, Life wanting to beat you down every step of the way, Im sure so many of us understand that, our struggles are basically the same. after reading it, and thinking about my journey and my girlfriends journey (see the blog "fixing myself thinner" also on the right) it inspired me to write a list of sorts of things and mental atitudes that really helped me along the way.

1. I stopped thinking diet, i figured i'd just do the best i could and the hell with the rest. Sometimes we get all excited and want it off right now, we bite off more than we can chew and at the first mistake we give up as too hard.

2. I decided to move a little more, 1 step at a time, instead of yelling for the kids to get the remote, i got up myself and got it.

3. there's no such thing as too little, it ALL add's up and matters. If i eat a whopper and throw away the last bite, or break a tiny piece off first n toss it(cause we know the last bite is ALWAYS the best) it matters!! Just think if i eat a whopper 3 days a week and toss 1 bite of it each time, in a month, ill have saved over 1000 calories.. thats 1000 calories that aren't stuck to my thighs right?

4.If i wanted it, i ate it but the rule was i had to make 1 change to it. If i normally got ice cream with whipped cream, and nuts and hot fudge, I got rid of the nuts. Or if i normally ate 12 wings, i would try and eat 11, if i couldn't, id at least remove the skin like i said NOTHING is to small,

5. If your obbsessed with adding calories, do it backwards, count all the calories you DON'T eat, like if u don't finish a meal, or actually decide u dont feel like those chips. As those calories add up,, you'll begin to want to add to them,, make the number bigger!! I swear it works lol. (for a while anyways

6. Never tell yourself you have to stop eatting anything!! If you do decide to drop things, do it 1 at a time, slowly!! I gave up regular soda first. I started trying different brands of diet, just to see and discovered although i loved pepsi and hated coke, i liked diet coke. go figure, so i occassionally subbed 1 for the other and eventually i wasn't drinking pepsi anymore.

7.ADD BREAKFAST!! even if it's just a piece of toast.

There are more tiny steps that lead to big steps and i'll add them as they occur to me. I think the important thing to remember is, give yourself credit, it's ok to mess up, just don't give up on yourself, you ARE worthy of having everything you desire, you ARE going to have ups and downs like everyone else, you ARE going to have days where you say, to hell with this. you ARE allowed!! It's the beating yourself up that takes time, energy and ultimately makes things worse. STOP THAT!!

Ok, climbs down off my soapbox n gets ready for school.

reflections into my relationship with food... (shudder)

2009-09-09T22:42:00.000-04:00

Hey fellow bloggers, man I'm exhausted the gym is brutal!! I'm so excited!!! I got comments!!!! Lol ty guys.

Firstly, I gave a lot of thought to talking to him about my issues. I wasn't sure if I wanted to or even how too but while texting him late last night it kinda came out. Sigh... Yes I sent him texts about my feelings, while he was asleep at that, so he didn't get them till this morning. He didn't mention them so I asked was he angry, he said no, I had somethin to say and I said it,(I detected a lil tude in that statement) I said, sooooo any thoughts? He said "no" then he said he couldn't really talk. (He was at work). I've spoken to him several times over the day and twice he's been home but he hasn't mentioned it. I must say though, even if he never mentions it, I feel better because I've gotten it out, he knows how I feel. I guess it's up to him what he does with it.

Next issue, I had a good session with my therapist, we talked a lot about my food issues. I believe I have developed a fear of food, to me in my brain food equals bad. If I gain my brain immediately says stop eatting. Nevermind most days I'm barely making 1500 calories. Nevermind the weight I've lost. Nevermind I'd probably lose better if I ate more but I just don't trust food or myself with food. My brain REFUSES to understand or accept the ida that more food is something good. Weren't we always told to stop eatting so much? And that's why we were fat. How do you undo that? I don't recall hearing about eatting more. All I'm able to see is the 385 pound me. So I think like a 385 pd. Woman. Stop eatting!!! There's no such thing as "good fat" .(in my brain anyways)

We discussed what would happen if I ever made it to my goal of 190 pounds. Well I thought about it and realized, if I gained say 5 pounds, I'd swear I was on my way to 385 again and stop eatting, but who can stay at a steady weight without an up and down right? I'd probably panic and stop eatting again till I got to 180 where I'd feel safe. Then if I gained a few pounds I'd probably get scared and decide I needed to be at 170. Do u see a cycle?? I do. I gained from 246 to 255, I was so stressed I was about in tears and I put my scale in the basement. I'm literally terrified of my scale right now. Afraid ill get on it and it'll say 265. At the same time I'm afraid to not get on it and not notice I'm on my way back to 300+ (so far the fear of the gain is winning, I won't even look at the scale) Sigh if I'm not very very careful I could become anorexic, weighing 100 pounds and insisting I'm still too fat.. Going from one eatting extreme to another.. Lord who knew all this fat carried so much damn baggage..

Well as always I've babbled a lot but not said half of what I wanted.. I hope to update everything, this weekend if I get a chance.. I do keep a workout journal for those interested in the work I do with my trainer, she's awesome!! 80 pounds gone in 8 months with her. I love that she's encouraging, she doesn't put a "time pressure" on me. She sets out to work each muscle group or cardio session and if it takes you 5 hours, you'll be there 5 hours or adding it to your next day, which you learn quickly you do not wanna do!! I was truly blessed to have met her, She is also a nutritionist, doesn't believe in "diets" she believes in moderation, healthy eatting and exercise. Im on a very low income and although she trains me 3-4 days a week, she seldom if ever asks me for money. She truly just happens to be someone who LOVES what she does. She also encourages me, gave me her cell phone number, one day i was sitting outside mcdonalds and called her lol about to have a quarter pounder with cheese attack. You guys know the cycle, ida ate it,large fry, probably added a cheeseburger and soda, then felt horrible!!! She talked, i whined and begged but we compromised, i got grilled chic sandwhich and salad, but i got to have an ice cream cone lol. Not exactly the QP but still it was nice to know i could find a healthier compromise to what i thought i wanted. I also ask for nutrition menus EVERYWHERE!! even if they dont have one to give you ask for thier copy. Trust me, a lot of the stuff you eat, you'll quickly decide its not worth it!! salt, salt, salt!! fat!! calories!! even the so called healthy stuff.

damn did it again,, got to babbling... bye till tomorrow.

Blue Day..

2009-09-07T16:06:00.000-04:00

Well, here i am on amtrak just zipping along as such. I'm still feeling melancholy and weepy and blue and im not sure why. It's making me crave food, i don't know why,, normally im not a comfort eatter, when i get upset my throat closes and i feel stress and can't eat but for some reason now all i can think of is potatoe chips, mac and cheese, mashed potatoes, (God how i LOVE mashed potatoes) fried chicken, a candy bar, ice cream, well you get the picture. I guess its a really good thing im on this train huh. Good thing i only packed grapes, apple sauce and salad n stuff huh. sighh...

Tomorrow i go back to the gym, to school to stress as usual. I also get to see my therapist again whom i haven't seen in 2 months. Possibly i have anxiety over that. I find myself not telling her everything, Why?? she's a stranger, she's paid to not have an opinion right?? So why do i care enough about her opinion to lie to the person whos supposed to help me sort out the stuff i shouldn't be lying about? Lord do i have mega issues!! Why do i have this obsessive need to be liked by everyone? I often put on a brave "i dont care" front. But i do care, i care very much. Im tired of bieng invisible, i want to be liked and fawned over and noticed like the popular people. I think..

I think deep down i know that's not really me,, but i wish it was you know. I wish i was the kind of person who everyone flocked around and needed to be with but the sad truth is. If i got that, i'd probably be running for the nearest ditch to hide out in. Full camo gear and a stun gun for any who got too close. How can such different thoughts and wants and needs all be wrapped up in 1 psychy?

Maybe it's a validation issue, kind of how men have that whole ritual head nod at one another thing. It says, "hey dude" your accepted as one of us all in a simple gesture without words or preable or the need to invade one anothers space. Why don't we have that? A womanly eyebrow raise or shoulder twitch or something!! Anything that says,, Looking good sis, do your thing...

o well, i guess imma do my thing on this train, suck a grape and pretend its a.... aww hell who'm i kidding,, you can't pretend a grape is anything but a grape lol. sighh..

toodles until later..

Off topic... But on...sex and the fatty self image

2009-09-07T10:58:00.000-04:00

Happy labor day all, As this was a long weekend and i wasn't in town i decided to forego blogging to spend time with my sweety. Which brings me to my off topic but on topic thing. Long distance relationships are hard, and bieng that this is my very first one, its exspecially hard, combine that with a "in-between fatty" terrible self image and it can be down right depressing. Let me explain.

I came to see my sweety for the weekend, As im about to start my classes Oct. 5th and will have very limited time, this is possibly the last long weekend i'd b able to spend with him for a long time. I expected lots of quality time, and yes sex also. Needless to say i didn't get that, The first day was understandable, he had to work 2 jobs and was tired, we did fit sex in, (which i initiated) and i went out shopping on my own. 2nd day, i went out shopping on my own again as he didnt want to go. I was a little bummed about that but ok, so we'd have quality time later right? Wrong, we watched a movie, which bored me, we were supposed to go for a walk but since i was bored by the movie, much to his small protesting, i initiated sex again. Then he promptly fell asleep sigh. End of day 2, ok so yesterday, my last day, were going to spend it together right?? I had to go to store for a few things for lunch on the train, i asked him to come, he wouldn't. So i went alone, he insists it was so i could learn my way around the city.. Thats bullshit in my opinion, i dont give a flying f*&^ about the city, i wanted to be with him. Soo i did that and came back. I wanted to have sex, man do i sound like a nympho? ugh, it really wasn't like that,, ok the first 2 were quickys, what i was looking for as you ladies know was real intimacy, where i felt like we had time to be together physically and mentally, where i felt like he wanted ME.. not just that i wanted him, you know what i mean? I began to feel like i was always initiating, so i decided to let him intitiate it. He never did. I'm feeling kind of hurt, I feel like maybe he doesn't find me attractive or want me and that maybe he just has sex with me to make me happy. I don't want pity sex!!! I mean here you have a willing woman, ready to do anything you want,, and you don't want it. Thats what all men complain they don't have and wish they did right?? I mean here's your woman in town for possibly the last time for a while. I would have expected to be fighting him off..Now your gonna ask,, did i let him know, well, I did mention it sort of, ok i said, "lets watch porn and you can give me a massage" he said,, "go eat". He did give me the massage but it was like my granny was giving it to me as non sexual as could be, i just made him stop and disgusted, got up and went in the other room. I didn't want to initiate again cuz i would have felt again he was doing it because i wanted to, at the same time, i couldn't say hey, don't you find me attractive, that would have been humiliating and to top it off worse if he would've tried to have sex with me after that. I would've felt like it was "pity sex"

Is it the insecurity in me making a big deal over it?? Not the insecurity of him cheating but it's an overwhelming sense of he doesn't want me because im disgusting or something,, Like i feel like if my body was sexier he would want me. He doesn't look at me like that or touch me like that. It hurts and i KNOW it's mostly just me bieng overly sensitive about my body but i dunno, i don't think i'll ever get over it. Will i ever have self esteem, will i ever stop blaming things on my weight and how my body looks?? Maybe he just doesn't like sex that much. Maybe he's under stress, Maybe he feels like im taking advantage of him.. It could be a thousand reasons but my heart and mind latch on to and scream..""ITS BECAUSE YOUR FAT AND UGLY""....

I haven't weighed in over a week now, because im afraid, im afraid i'll step on the scale and be 300 again. Or moving up, I feel like ive lost as much as i can and now im stuck and im scared. Sigh, bieng fat sucks soooo immensly bad, you can lose the weight but not the issues. Self image is important and anyone who says its not isn't honest with themselves or everyone else.

well i may or not blog from from the train, if so, see you then,, if not,, i'll probably be back on track tomorrow,, my only option is to keep moving foreward right.

Jealousy, Weight loss and food issues, O my..

2009-09-05T00:26:00.000-04:00

It's been a hellish 2 days, I dont even know where to begin. Thursday was a blur of activity as i planned on going away this weekend. To visit a friend and get V some school clothes. Because the train was inflexible i opted to take greyhound to philadelphia, I mean it's thursday night right? how bad can it be? It was 6 hours of pure HELL!!!.. They ended up needing 3 buses, i got stuck beside a chatty guy who's chatter wasn't the good kind, I ended up in the isle seat and i was traveling at night. with only 2 good hours of sleep for the past 24 hours. I'll spare you the details but lets just say i would NOT recommend a bus trip anytime soon people!!

Im still really exhausted as i did a lot today!! I know i owe 2 days worth of food and exercise, i have been writing it down so im going to post it, also since i do exercise a lot, im thinking of separating the exercise into its own little blog. I signed up for the Strong man/ Strong woman contest in our gym. A moment of insanity i assure you!! Im still dealing with whole "biggest loser" thing. I don't want to win but im afraid to lose. Does that make any sense? Im also feeling a little weird about it because of the whole "Brea" situation.

She was a really good friend, we'll sort of like family, anyways when i was 385 and she was about 280, She talked me into joining the gym and we did the biggest loser together, as i said before i had started losing before that and i guess my "walking" (cuz thats all i could do then) motivated her too. It was the new year and getting ready for snow, so we joined. (i usually walked an outdoor track) Im not gonna go into the back story on the biggest loser, its in my first post if anyone cares to read it. Anywho, we decided since we had different schedules we would work out at different times, we talked and planned our schedules WITH the trainer together. Everything was going pretty ok until the end of the contest, we weighed in together, as a matter of fact, we had hung out together all that day. I lost 30 pounds, she lost 4. She hasn't spoken to me since then. She started avoiding me and barely speaking, I knew something was wrong and figured it was because i won the contest but wasn't sure but then she told our trainer tish and other people that we started it together and i guess she felt like i left her behind or doing something behind her back, last weekend my mom asked her what was going on and she told my mom i changed!!

Im like WHOAAA , first off, we were fine, if i changed why were we still friendly up until day of final weigh in?? You don't speak to me anymore so how can u say i'm the one that changed? Dont you have to be actually around and speaking to a person to notice a change?? As far as doing it together goes, we made different workout schedules together!! She had my number if she needed help or needed to do extra exercise or walking or whatever but noooo..

Let me explain something to you all, bieng fat ultimately is about choices, we have choices in everything we do, yes i bitch and moan about you skinny heffers who can eat anything and not gain an ounce.. but the reality is i DO gain and so my choices are either;to bitch and moan about YOU, or get my shit together and do what i need to do for ME. Bitching and moanng never lost me a pound. The sooner we accept that no matter how much whining we do,, or how many surgerys a person gets, unless you accept whatever it is that made you fat, wether its not eatting enough and badly (aka the fat anorexic) or bingeing or just plain eatting. Wether its glands or an illness IT DOESN'T MATTER!! What matters is you make the effort to correct it, the best way you can and until you embrace it and face it,, you cant replace it with a healthier thinner and prayerfully more sane you!! . Noone can do that for you but you,, It took me a long time to get here. Im determined, Im focused, Im scared and often frustrated but i keep moving foreward because backwards is not an option for me at this point. Ask yourself where are you in this journey and accept the choice you've made for you..(off the soapbox now i think) whew,, wonder how many calories that as worth??

Where was i?? O yeah,, anyways we did stuff together like go out to eat, while i would order whole wheat and grilled,, she would order chicken fingers and fries,, while i would skip the ice cream, she'd buy a large.. We're both over 30,, i can't hold your hand like a child. You have to want to do this for you. We live 2 doors from one another and she's the mother of my nephew and we don't even speak anymore. Thursday she walked past me and turned her head away. We still work out at the same gym although at different times but when we encounter each other on the odd day im running late it's weird and full of avoided glances and silence.. When full courses for school kick in, i'll be at the gym with her at the same time, using the same trainer. Id be lieing if i didnt say the thought of it makes me a little uncomfortable and worried,, i dont like conflict but im not the one with the issue. As i said,, I know this is for me and not her and i should just keep doing what i do and i will. Backwards is NOT an option for me..Sighhh this whole situation sucks!! .Jealousy is such an ugly ugly thing...

man i ramble,, see what happens when i miss days?? This is getting too long, I havent had much chance to do calories and there's more i want to say but i"ll save it for tomorrow.

I started this blog for theraputic reasons, to vent, keep track and have a record of this journey somewhere, I never needed it to be popular or anything but right now i wish there were more people reading it just because i really need input on this situation.. sigghhh.. ahh well im gonna post my workout to the left and maybe tomorrow i can update food . Im beat<< maybe i'll do updates tomorro,, its after midnight yet again....

until then.. ever chatty

Has anyone seen my extra hours??

2009-09-02T00:32:00.000-04:00

Man o man,i need more hours in a day!! I'm having a bad week, i get up 6 for to have breakfast for school, go to school, from school to gym, at the gym my trainer talks me into joining the biggest loser,, because apparently i need to defend my title.. sigh.. ok when i did first one, i was 334, going from sedentary to moving, fat fell away like well, hot fat lmaoo... Now its more like taffy,, it stretches till you thoink its gonna break the BAM!! it snaps back again!! So im on a gain/plateau and weight loss challenge is not hi on my prioritys,, but i do it anyways,, then she damn near kills me.. i mean whats a fat girl with 2 knee surgerys and arthritis doing at 3.9 on a treadmill at an incline!!! One of us is gonna die during this challenge i just know it..
next i have to pick up hubby because he got off early and with 1 car, im now 3 hours late (notice i didnt mention lunch sigh... i have a girlfriend with me so i pick him up, we drop her off, go to grocery store, cash his pitiful check thats 500 less than what we need to live, go to the bank, then home.. ahhh blessed home, a sandwhich, and large salad and i can relax right??

NOT!!!! my daughter informs me they need me in the mass choir,, so im on my way to the church, trying to do homework and sing "yet praise him" ironic isnt it?? I thought so to.. then my daughter twists her knee (its 9 pm by this time) and so off to the emergency room we go. We get there and its like a friday night at the club and topless women are a special or something.. Im like wth!! its a childrens hospital so i pull up a chair the size of only 1 of my ass cheeks and sit at a table i could wear as a bib if i had straps for it and attempt to do my homework.. sighhh 3 hours later!! She STILL hasnt been seen!! I call my husband and yell SWITCHHH!! so he came and got me and is sitting there with her while i came home,, alas sleep is elusive and no point seeing as how when theyre done, guess who gets to go get them?? that would be me,, who also has to get up at 5:45 to get in the 2 miles i didn't get in today...

Tomorrow im packing a lunch!! my food for today was dismal to say the least.. Im probably one of the few people on earth who packs on pounds from bieng to busy to eat.. ever hear the term fat anorexic??

Breakfast: 2 pieces french toast, 2 oz turkey sausage

Lunch?: Turkey sandwhich on lite wheat,(2 slices lite wheat,1 slice 2%cheese,miricle whip, lettuce) large salad (lots of baby spinich and romaine mix, toouch of shredded cheese and lite dressing)..yeah i know but i was tired and it was quickest..

Dinner:ummmm not happenin...

pre and post workout protien shakes..(just powder and water)

Snack: 2 bananas and some grapes

well im going to close my eyes as im sure the moment i do that the phone will ring and they'll say theyre ready.. until tomorrows fresh hell
hugs, blessings and xtra hours all around...

Emotional Rollercoaster

2009-08-31T23:55:00.000-04:00

Today was hell!! I just had a huge fight with my husband whom im ready to leave at this point. Im so tired and stressed, I was watching tv and he pulls a chair up, plops it in front of the tv and turns on a video game, im like WTF!! I calmly said you could have at least asked if i was watching that, He gets all huffy and says you werent watching it cuz your on the phone and computer, i said first off im not on phone (just had my bluetooth in) secondly, i was just browsing web trying to find where boars head deli meats are sold in my area (never did find out). Anywho as i told him, none of that matters, you could have just asked, anyways it turned into yet another massive fight. I think while i was really overweight, i didn't have a voice, i allowed so many things, essentially i became invisible, now im fighting to be seen again. needless to say, it put me off my feed.. my calories for the day topped out at 978!! Thats bad and i know it sigh but at this point its almost midnight so i guess it will be what it will be.

Breakfast: 2 eggs scrambled w/ sprinkle of shredded cheese, 2 pieces of wheat toast w/sugar free jelly

Lunch: (2 sandwhiches)6 oz deitz n watson lite turkey breast, 4 slices of lite wheat bread, 2 tblspns miricle whip, lettuce n 2 slices of cheese. and huge salad, baby spinich and romaine, lil shredded cheese and lite dressing.

Snack: 1/2 pound of grapes (total through out day snacking on them)

Dinner: fight "0" calories... but good for another 5 pounds of stress weight!!

Guess its a good thing i was hungry enough for 2 sandwhiches at lunch or i would be under the 500 calories mark!! I did walk today though, this morning and after the fight. 2 miles in a.m. and 3 miles in p.m. Im going to bed.. ugh!!

The obsessive mind...

2009-08-31T08:01:00.000-04:00

I woke up this morning thinking; as usual. Last night before bed i read all about stress and weight. Turns out theres a lot of information on its true. It can effect my diabetes, it causes your body to create more cortisol which slows your metabolism and causes fatigue and cravings and my hair is already falling out from the rapid weight loss, If i add stress to it, Imma be bald ontop of it. Ive come to realize,Im a super stresser and If anyone has stress weight it's me, faced with shut off notices, less money coming in than bills that go out, food and family issues, Me re-entering school full time, trying to squeeze in workouts 4 days a week and walking 7 days, It all gets to be mind boggling, I don't get much sleep and when i do, its broken, so what am i supposed to do? None of those things are going away anytime soon so how do you get away from it? I tried relaxation to fall asleep last night, It didn't work as i didn't fall asleep until after 12 and i set alarm for 6 so i could walk, well between bathroom breaks and tossing and turning,well lets just say, not enough sleep again.
So i decided to cut my walk out and get a few extra moments of rest, it didnt work, after 15 minutes i realized. Shit.. trying not to walk is stressing me even more, guilt about not walking, then i start thinking about bills, needless to say i figured i may as well walk. It's stressin me also about my knees, bieng fat for so long has all but ruined them. Arthritis and 2 knee surgeries and now pain. I seem to have aggravated it by working out to much or too hard so im on pain pills (which don't help) and under orders to slow down my workouts considerably.
Thats akin to saying your going to cut off my arm!! Im up 10 pounds!! Doesn't he know if i lay off the exercise by next week i could be 300 lbs again!! (this is the way the fat mind works) Doesn't he understand every pound gained in our mind is 10, I can't go back there!! I told my trainer what he said and i will slow down but it makes me wanna cry. The fear of gaining weight is = to the fear of not losing anymore weight.. No spinning today sigh.. OMG!!! have any of you ever tried spinning!! My crotch felt like hamburger!! Those little seats were just not made for big assess... They should make a big cushiony seat for us don't you think? I mean i know the point isn't to sit, but I have bad knees so although my trainer says i can spin she prefers me to sit n just pedal the whole class as fast as i can. Trust me! Bad knees or not after about 10 minutes of that torturous seat my ass was up trying to pedal through hill climb on 3!!! The sweat and workout is unbelievable though i must admit. If only my body wasn't betraying me. Well here i am blogging when i should be packing up my laptop and heading to school. So off i go. I havent planned out my food for today yet. I'll add and update that later.

A new perspective

2009-08-30T16:22:00.001-04:00

I've just gotten back in from church and im feeling better now. I just needed to get a little perspective "sigh" Im down 130 pounds in a little over a year and 80 of it in just 8 months and i did it by hard work and a change in habits and thats nothing to sneeze at. Funny thing about losing a lot of weight, when i look in the mirror, i see that 385 pound girl. In my mind theres no difference between 385, 285 and im now suspecting 185 in my mind. I just need to realize Im going to have ups and downs, i guess. This is a lifestyle change, i dont believe in diets, thing about diets is, they end. When that's over with and you go back the same old thing, boom here comes the same old pounds,, with friends to boot!!

Breakfast: 4 oz piece of steak and 2 eggs w/ 1 slice cheese and 2 pieces of light wheat toast w/sugar free jelly and 4 0z of oj.

Lunch: banana and turkey burger on 2 slices of light wheat bread

Dinner: 4 oz of steak, bowl of oatmeal (i know weird huh)

Snack: a banana..

Total calories according to spark is...1457

Soon as i figure this blogging thing out (help!!!) Im gonna have a section where i post workouts and show food and maybe if i have the courage,, dare i say it!! Pictures!! anyone who wants to help me accomplish this please feel free to contact me and let me know.

Fat and pissed off about it!!

2009-08-30T09:07:00.000-04:00

I just don"t understand it!! I'm doing everything right, or so i thought and i still gained!! I was down to 246 and now im back up to 255. It pisses me off, here i am busting my ass 4 days a week in the gym, walking 2 times a day, living on grilled chicken breasts, protien shakes, lettuce and massive amounts of fruit. While the heffer sitting next to me can shovel, ding dongs, ho ho's and pizza by the boatload and not gain an ounce!! and NO she doesn't exercise. People like that annoy me because if i eat 1 candy bar (which i haven't in a year) They look down upon me as if ive just commited a sin akin to murder and utter words such as "no wonder she's fat". Im tired, im tired of busting my ass and for what?? So i can be acceptable to who?? If there are any perpetually skinny people reading this, Thank your God that you are blessed with a size 2 no matter what you do, because there are some, who even if they never ate another bite would probably gain 10 pounds just smelling something you eat. Yes at this moment im bitter and frustrated. It may only be 9 pounds to some, but when you have more than 50 lbs. to lose, and you've done everything you know to do. Where else is there to go?

Fat,Depressed, longwinded and starting over

2009-08-29T22:26:00.001-04:00

Well, i'm new to this whole blogging thing, a friend of mine told me about it but i was like where do you start? I figured to just jump in better late than never right?? I've never blogged before (ok so im repeating myself already) so i'm not sure what i'm supposed to do but i guess i'll just ramble a little about me and if you choose, follow along!! If not,, i hear there's a red "x" somewhere to the top right and if you hit it, i'll disappear. (grin).

Anywho as i believe i mentioned before, i'm 39 yrs. old, I have 2 children, a son whom i'll call "V" who's 11, and a daughter whom i'll call "Q" who's, horror of all horrors, 16 going on 32 with a responsibility level of 7. sigh. When my daughter was born, i started gaining weight, slowly at first, i started at about 190 or so, which wasn't bad on my 5 foot 9 frame, that inched till i said, it's ok long as i don't go above 200, then it was, as long as i don't go over 250, etc: etc:, you get the picture... Anyways, 5 yrs later, i had my son, i had severe depression and within 1 month of having him was diagnosed bi-polar. I spent 11 yrs, literally doped up, barely able to move off the couch, weeping all the time, going from medication to medication, packing on the pounds, which depressed me more, hiding in my car to eat when i went out, thinking everyone was looking at me and thinking to themselves how disgusting i was!! I mean how could they not! when i caught sight of myself that's what i thought!! then one day i got a godsend, my doctor had to leave (i've had several) and this new doctor actually took the time to say,, you know what, you've been on everything and nothings working and my god what are you doing on such a hi dose of this medication!! it has a side effect of weight gain and diabetes it's a wonder you could get up and leave the house. Let's wean you off and start all over.

At this point i had given up so i didn't care. I got weighed, which was a chore since my doctors scale only went to 300 and i had left that behind long ago!! So i bought a scale that went up to 400 pounds and prayed. I was 385.. hmmm well i guess my prayer was answered, it did weigh me but maybe i shoulda got a scale with a lower weight and prayed the same thing lol. So she pored over my 11 yrs of records and notes and while weaning had asked me to walk once a week, and to have blood work done, sigh.. blood work came back diabetic, BUT i discovered i was feeling a little better from the weaning AND i noticed i was dropping a couple pounds. hmmmm.... ok so i'm diabetic, i'm deathly afraid of needles, so i said ok, i'm cutting EVERYTHING with sugar and i did. cold turkey, no more snickers, no more Reese's sticks, no more pepsi!!! well regular pepsi anyways. I also noticed i started dropping more a little faster, (diabetes can be a blessing, in my case it is).....

So i'm finally at this point completely off antidepressants, and feeling good mentally,,sort of, the weight, well i was still about 350 pounds and some of you KNOW the feeling of that, the humiliation of having to ride the bus and no one wants to sit next to you,, feeling like no matter what you eat your being judged, unable to fit "skinny people" clothes in the normal store and when you do find clothes, they always have flowers all over them, what the hell is that about?? and are polyester blend, unfashionable and have the nerve to cost a zillion dollars!! Lord to be able to buy a shirt for 10 bucks that doesn't have a print!! Let the larger choir say amen!!

where was i?? o yeah.. i was about 350 and off the anti drugs, and my therapist concludes,, why they didn't treat you as post partum depressed i'll never know, but your not bi-polar, depressed probably yes, i mean for goodness sake, of course i'm depressed!! ugh.. so we embark on regular talk therapy which has done wonders for me!! I highly recommend it!! nothing like someone impartial to vent to. Someone on your side all the time,, lets just overlook the fact were paying them to be on our side and take what we can get when we get it!! ok back to the weight loss it's getting onto the winter months now and i was walking on an outdoor track. I liked it because it was private and i was loath to walk in my own neighborhood for fear of ooglers and gawkers, so i was nervous because i didn't know what i was going to do. I was afraid to join a co ed gym, plus i'm broke, and i didn't know what to do, i had a girlfriend who at a petite 270 wanted to lose some weight, talked me into joining the local ymca.

Now you already KNOW how i felt about a co-ed gym, but i was feeling pretty good and they had income based fee and walking in the snow and ice was NOT an option...so i figured i could find their slow time and just walk on the treadmill. We joined Jan 2,2009, and little was i to know, there i found my godsend and drill sargeant, Tish. They were running a 'biggest loser" thing for the new yr, i didn't want to join, but pressure from my friend, a 15 dollar fee and free personal training for the 2 months of the contest with the trainer of your choice, how could i NOT take advantage of that!!

On January, 2,2009, i weighed in for the contest at 334. Hmm id lost 50 pounds just by walking and diet change it seemed within 4 months or so, i was feeling optimistic, i didn't want to win mind you because the winner got their picture posted in the gym for all to see.. I mean the 3 months free and tshirt woulda been nice; and another 3 personal training sessions, but that whole picture thing.. i just was not feeling it,, if you get my drift.. i did work hard though, i continued walking, and Tish required i come to the gym for training 3 times a week. She had me add a protein shake and things were going good. too good, did i mention i have arthritis in both knees, had surgery on the right one (meniscus tear) and now the left one was hurting AND my right foot, i go to the doctor and turns out, i need surgery on my right foot, and on my left knee!! (another meniscus tear!) i decided to wait until close to end of the challenge and have the surgeries one after another. I had the foot surgery and was still going to the gym,, doing elliptical with a pin that went from tip of my baby toe to middle of my foot to hold it straight!! It was gross now that i think back on it.

Lo and behold!! I won the challenge,, i weighed in at 304 on march 1st,2009, i won 3 months membership, a tshirt, an awful picture on the wall, and lost a friend, who over the course of the 2 months lost only 5 pounds compared to my 30 and felt i had somehow "changed" and we were supposed to be doing it together(as if i left her behind), as if i made her eat zingers and cold stone ice cream and xtra large portions of chicken fingers and french fries, while i sat next to her and suffered through dry chicken breast on wheat and broccoli!!(shudders). sighhh... anyway (boy i say that a lot!!), i digress,

This is getting long for a first post but i did want to fill you in as much as i could think of, I hate stories that begin in the middle, they leave you with so many questions!! but ask away and if i can or choose i'll answer them, i'll talk more about my past journey as well as my thoughts and day to day stuff, as you can see i'm a rambler.. so much to say and so little time to say it,, anyways, i'm sure your dying to hear about my time at a diet website and the wonderful friends i made there, and more about the friend who ditched me because i'm losing more than her, my trainer Tish, my kids, my money and weight problems, my reentry into school and various other facets of my boring poor life.